Dolly Reforming Herself (Play) Full Text Script

Dolly Reforming Herself

ACT ONE

厂肠别苍别:听Drawing-room at听Harry Telfer's,听The Gables, Crookbury Green, Surrey. A well-furnished room in a modern red brick country house. At the back, a little to the right, is a door leading into the hall. All along the right side is a glass partition, showing a conservatory which is entered by glass doors, one up stage, the other down. On the left side is a large fireplace. At the back, in the centre, is a handsome writing-desk with a shut down flap lid. Above the fireplace, facing the audience is a large sofa. To the right of sofa, and below it in the left centre of the room is a small table, and near to it an easy chair. Right centre down stage is a larger table.

罢颈尘别:听The afternoon of听1蝉迟听January, 1907.

Discover at writing-table, back to audience,听Dolly Telfer,听a bright little woman about thirty, busied with bills and papers. Bending over her, back to audience, is her father,听Matt Barron,听a pleasant-looking, easy-going cynic of sixty.听Harry Telfer,听顿辞濒濒测'蝉听husband, an ordinary good-natured, weakish, impulsive Englishman about thirty-five, is standing with his back to the fire. Sitting on sofa, reading a scientific book, is听笔谤辞蹿别蝉蝉辞谤摆10闭听厂迟耻谤驳别蝉蝉,听a hard, dry, narrow, fattish scientific man about forty-five. At the table, right, reading a French novel, is听Renie Sturgess,听the Professor's wife, a tall, dark, handsome woman about thirty.

Harry. No, I can't say that I pay very much attention to sermons as a rule, but Pilcher gave us a regular downright, no-mistake-about-it, rouser at the Watch-night Service last night.

Matt. [Turning round.] I wonder what precise difference this rousing sermon will make in the conduct of any person who heard it.

Harry. Well, it's going to make a lot of difference in my conduct. At least, I won't say a lot of difference, because I don't call myself a very bad sort of fellow, do you?

Matt. N-o---No------

Harry. At any rate I'm a thundering good husband, ain't I, Dolly? 摆顿辞濒濒测听takes no notice.] And I've got no flagrant vices. But I've got a heap of---well a heap of selfish little habits, such as temper, and so on, and for the coming year I'm going to knock them all off.

Matt. That will be a score for Pilcher---that is, if you do knock them off.

Harry. Oh, I'm thoroughly resolved! I promised Dolly last night, didn't I, Dolly? 摆顿辞濒濒测听takes no notice.] Dolly too! Dolly was awfully impressed by the sermon, weren't you, Dolly?

Matt. [Looking round at听顿辞濒濒测'蝉听back.] Dolly was awfully impressed?

Harry. Yes. Before we went to bed she gave me her word, that if I'd give her a little help, she'd pay off all her bills, and live within her allowance for the future, didn't you, Dolly?

Matt. Well, that will be another score for Pilcher---that is, if Dolly does live within her allowance.[11]

Harry.听Oh, Dolly means it this time, don't you Dolly?

Dolly.听摆Turns round on her stool, bills in hand.] I think it's disgraceful!

Matt.听奥丑补迟?

Dolly.听These tradespeople! [Comes down to听惭补迟迟.] I'm almost sure I've paid this bill once---if not twice. Then there's a mistake of thirty shillings in the addition---you're good at figures, Dad. Do add that up for me. My head is so muddled.

[Giving the bill to听惭补迟迟.

Harry.听Aren't you glad, Doll, that you made that resolution not to have any more bills?

Dolly.听It will be heavenly! To go about all day with the blessed thought that I don't owe a farthing to anybody. It's awful!

[Crunching a bill in her hand, and throwing it on to writing-table.

Harry.听Cheer up, little woman! You don't owe such a very alarming amount, do you?

Dolly.听Oh no! Oh听no! And if you'll only help me as you promised------

Harry.听We'll go thoroughly into it by-and-by. In fact I did mean to give you a pleasant little Christmas surprise, and pay off all your debts.

Dolly.听Oh, you angel! But why didn't you do it?

Harry.听I've done it so often! You remember the last time?

Dolly.听摆Making a wry face.] Yes, I remember the last time.

Harry.听And here we are again!

Dolly.听Oh, don't talk like a clown!

Harry.听But, my dear Dolly, here we are again.

Dolly.听Well, I haven't got the money sense! I simply haven't got it! I was born without it![12]

Matt.听摆Hands her the bill.] The addition is quite correct.

Dolly.听摆Taking the bill.] You're sure? Then I'm convinced I've paid it! [Looking at bill.] Yes! Thirty-four, seven, six. Professor Sturgess------

Prof.听摆Looks up from his book] Yes?

Dolly.听You understand all about psychology and the way our brains work.

Prof.听I've given my entire life to their study, but I cannot claim that I understand them.

Dolly.听But wouldn't you say------

Prof.听奥丑补迟?

Dolly.听I'm morally certain I've paid this bill.

Matt.听Have you got the receipt?

Dolly.听狈辞! I must have mislaid it.

Matt.听When, and where did you pay it?

Dolly.听I cannot recall the exact circumstances. And now------

Matt.听And now------?

Dolly.听Fulks and Garner have sent me a most impertinent note requesting immediate payment.

Prof.听What is the particular brain process that you wish me to explain?

Dolly.听How do you account for my having the most vivid impression that I've paid it---so vivid that I cannot shake it off?

Prof.听奥别濒濒---补------

Matt.听Isn't it an instance of that obscure operation of the feminine mind whereby the merest wish becomes an accomplished fact?

Dolly.听My dear Dad, I actually remember the exact amount:听, seven, six. Thirty-four, seven, six. I shall never enter Fulks and Garnet's shop again!

Enter听颁谤颈诲诲濒别. [Announces.] Captain Wentworth![13]

Enter听Captain Lucas Wentworth,听a good-looking smart young army man about thirty. He is in riding-clothes. Exit听颁谤颈诲诲濒别.听At听Captain Wentworth's听entrance听搁别苍颈别听shows keen interest, throws him a secret glance as he goes to shake hands with听顿辞濒濒测.

Dolly.听Ah, Lu! What, over again! Happy New Year once more!

Lucas.听Same to you. [Shaking hands.] Happy New Year, everybody! Good afternoon, Harry!

[Nodding to听贬补谤谤测.

Harry.听Ditto, Lu.

Lucas.听Ah, Uncle Matt! Happy New Year!

[Shaking hands.

Matt.听Happy New Year, Lucas!

Lucas.听Good afternoon, Mrs. Sturgess.

[Shaking hands with听搁别苍颈别.

Renie.听Good afternoon.

Lucas.听None the worse for your outing last night, I hope?

Renie.听Oh no, I'm sure Mr. Pilcher's sermon ought to make us all very much better.

Dolly.听May I introduce you to Professor Sturgess---my cousin Captain Wentworth.

Lucas.听How d'ye do?

Prof.听How d'ye do?

Matt.听So you came over to the Watch-night Service, I hear?

Lucas.听驰别蝉! I'd nothing much better to do, and Dolly was cracking up this new parson of yours, so I thought I'd jog over and sample him.

Matt.听A dozen miles over here at midnight; an hour's service in a cold church; and a dozen miles back to Aldershot, in the sleet and snow. I hope the sermon thoroughly braced you up![14]

Lucas.听It did. It made me feel just as good as I knew how to be.

Matt.听Here's another score for Pilcher!

Dolly.听Dad, I think it's shocking bad taste of you to keep on sneering at Mr. Pilcher!

Matt.听I'm not sneering. I'm only curious to follow up this wonderful sermon, and trace its results on all of you.

Dolly.听Well, you can see its results. [尝耻肠补蝉听has got near to听搁别苍颈别,听stands with his back to her, takes out a letter from his coat-tail pocket, holds it out for her to take. She takes it, pops it in her novel, and goes on reading. He moves away from her.] Take only our own family. Harry and I both have turned over a new leaf. Renie, you said Mr. Pilcher had set you thinking deeply------

Renie.听Yes, dear, very deeply.

Dolly.听Lu, you said the sermon had done you a lot of good.

Lucas.听Heaps! I won't say I'm going to set up for a saint straight off, because---well---I'm not so sure I could bring it off, even if I tried------

Matt.听That's what holds me back, my wretched nervous fear that I shouldn't bring it off. Still, in justice to Pilcher, I hope you're not going to let his sermon be wasted.

Lucas.听Oh, no! My first spare five minutes I'm going to brisk about, and do a bit of New Year's tidying up.

[He is standing over听搁别苍颈别,听who has opened his letter in her novel; he again exchanges a secret look of understanding with her, and makes a sign to her to go into the conservatory.

Enter听颁谤颈诲诲濒别.

Criddle.听摆Announcing.] Mr. Pilcher![15]

Enter the听Reverend James Pilcher,听a big, strong, bright, genial, manly, hearty English parson about forty. Exit听颁谤颈诲诲濒别.

Dolly.听How d'ye do? [Shaking hands.

Pilcher.听How d'ye do? Happy New Year, once more! Happy New Year, Mr. Barron!

Matt.听摆Shaking hands.] A happy New Year.

Pilcher.听How do again, Telfer?

Harry.听How are you?

Pilcher.听Good morning, Mrs. Sturgess.

Renie.听Good morning.

[At听笔颈濒肠丑别谤'蝉听entrance she has hidden her French novel behind her in the chair. In shaking hands with听笔颈濒肠丑别谤听it drops on to the floor and听尝耻肠补蝉'蝉听letter drops out.听尝耻肠补蝉听goes to pick it up,听Mr. Pilcher听is before him, picks up the novel and letter and hands them to听搁别苍颈别.听In taking them she shows some confusion.

Pilcher.听摆Genially.] Improving the New Year by getting a thorough knowledge of Parisian life and manners, I see.

Renie.听摆Confused.] No!---I had begun the book a week ago and so I thought---a---I'd better finish it.

Lucas.听Good morning, Mr. Pilcher.

Pilcher.听摆Shaking hands.] Good morning.

Lucas.听Rattling good sermon you gave us last night.

Pilcher.听I'm glad you thought it worth coming so far to hear.

Lucas.听Not at all. Jolly well worth coming for, eh, Mrs. Sturgess?

[With a sly little look and shake of the head at听搁别苍颈别.

Renie.听I thoroughly enjoyed it![16]

Pilcher.听摆A little surprised.] Enjoyed it! Now I meant to make you all very uncomfortable!

Dolly.听Oh, you gave us a good shaking up, and we deserved it! I don't think you've met Professor Sturgess?

Pilcher.听摆Advancing to听Professor.] No, but I've read his book, "Man, the Automaton."

Prof.听摆Bowing.] Not with disapproval, I trust?

Pilcher.听摆Shaking hands very cordially.] With the most profound disapproval, with boundless, uncompromising dissent and antagonism!

Prof.听I'm sorry!

Pilcher.听Why, you deny that man has any vestige of free will.

Prof.听颁别谤迟补颈苍濒测. The longer I live, the more I'm convinced that free will is a purely subjective illusion.

Dolly.听Do you mean that when I will to do a certain thing I can't do it? Oh, that's absurd. For instance, I will to go and touch that chair! [She goes and touches it.] There! [Triumphantly.] I've done it! That shows I've got free will. [The听笔谤辞蹿别蝉蝉辞谤听shakes his head.] Well, then how did I do it?

Prof.听I affirm that your willing to touch that chair or not to touch it, your actual touching it, or not touching it; your possession or non-possession of a criminal impulse------

Dolly.听I haven't any criminal impulses------

Prof.听摆Shakes his head and goes on.] Your yielding to that criminal impulse or your not yielding to it---all these states of consciousness are entirely dependent upon the condition, quantity and arrangement of certain atoms in the gray matter of your brain. You think, you will, you act according as that gray matter works. You did not cause or make that condition of the atoms of your gray matter, therefore you are not responsible for thinking or acting in this[17]听way or that, seeing that your thoughts, and your actions, and that direction of your impulses which you call your will, are all precisely determined and regulated by the condition and arrangement of these minute atoms of your gray matter!

Dolly.听摆Has at first listened with great attention, but has grown bewildered as the听笔谤辞蹿别蝉蝉辞谤听goes on.] I don't care anything about my gray matter! I've quite made up my mind I won't have any more bills!

Pilcher.听摆Turning to听搁别苍颈别.] Does Mrs. Sturgess agree with the Professor's doctrine?

Renie.听No, indeed! To say that we're mere machines---it's horrid.

Prof.听The question is not whether it's horrid, but whether it's true.

Pilcher.听What do you think, Mr. Barron?

Matt.听It's a very nutty and knotty problem. I'm watching to see Dolly and Harry solve it!

Dolly.听See us solve it! How?

Matt.听You and Harry heard a most thrilling, soul-stirring sermon last night.

Pilcher.听You had good hearsay accounts of my sermon?

Matt.听Excellent! I should have heard it myself, but I've reached an age when it would be dangerous to give up any of my old and cherished bad habits. So in place of going to church and selfishly reforming myself, I shall have to be content with watching Dolly and Harry reform themselves.

Dolly.听Don't take any notice of him, Mr. Pilcher, he's the most cynical, hardened reprobate! I have to blush for him a hundred times a day.

摆搁别苍颈别听strolls casually into conservatory by lower door.听尝耻肠补蝉听casually follows her.

Matt.听And in order to settle once and for all this vexed question of free will and moral responsibility,[18]听I'll bet you, Harry, a simple fiver, and I'll bet you Dolly, a new Parisian hat, and half a dozen pairs of gloves that you won't live up to your good resolutions, and that on next New Year's Day you'll neither of you be one ha'penny the better for all the wise counsels Mr. Pilcher gave you last night.

Harry.听A fiver! Done!

Dolly.听I'll take you, too! In fact, I'll double it; two new Parisian hats, and a dozen pairs of gloves!

Matt.听Done, my dear!

Pilcher.听I hope I sha'n't be accused of talking shop if I venture to recall that betting was one of the bad habits I especially warned my congregation against, last night!

Harry.听By Jove, yes---I'd forgotten all about that! Of course, if you wish us to cry off------

Pilcher.听Well, not exactly. I might perhaps suggest an alternative plan which was tried with great success in my late parish------

Dolly.听What was that?

Pilcher.听A very capital good fellow---an auctioneer and land surveyor, my churchwarden in fact, by name Jobling---found that in spite of constant good resolutions, certain small vices were gradually creeping upon him. There was an occasional outburst of temper to his clerks, an occasional half glass too much; and on one lamentable market day, he actually discovered himself using bad language to Mrs. Jobling------

Dolly.听摆Looking at听贬补谤谤测.] Oh! Ah!

Matt.听Jobling's gray matter can't have been in good working order.

Pilcher.听We corrected that! We got his gray matter under control.

Dolly.听贬辞飞?

Pilcher.听My Christmas Blanket Club happened to be on the road to bankruptcy. By the way, our[19]听Blanket Club here is in low water. Well, I gave Jobling a small box with a hole at the top sufficiently large to admit half a crown. And I suggested that whenever he was betrayed into one of these little slips, he should fine himself for the benefit of my Blanket Club------

Harry.听Good business! Dolly, where's that collecting-box they sent us from the Hospital for Incurables?

Dolly.听In the cupboard in the next room.

Harry.听Right-o! No time like the present! [Exit.]

Matt.听And how did you get out of this dilemma?

Pilcher.听顿颈濒别尘尘补?

Matt.听Did your Blanket Club remain in bankruptcy, or what must have been an even more distressing alternative to you, did Jobling continue to use bad language to his wife?

Pilcher.听We struck a happy medium. My Blanket Club balance was considerably augmented, and Jobling's behaviour considerably improved under the stress of the fines.

Re-enter听贬补谤谤测听with an old, dusty collecting-box on which is printed in large letters, "County Hospital for Incurables."

Harry.听摆Placing the box on the table.] There! My name's Jobling for the present! By Jove! that was a very neat idea of yours.

Pilcher.听Ah, by the way, I didn't give you Jobling's tariff------

Harry.听罢补谤颈蹿蹿?

Pilcher.听Jobling's tariff for a mild little profanity like "By Jove," was a mere sixpence.

Harry.听Oh! [Feels in his pocket.

Pilcher.听Of course you needn't adopt Jobling's scale.

[20]

Harry.听Oh yes! I'll toe the mark! [Takes six pence out of his pocket and puts it in his box.] I'm determined I'll cure myself of all these bad little tricks------

Matt.听摆To听顿辞濒濒测,听pointing to the money-box.] Are you going to contribute?

Dolly.听摆Snappishly.] Perhaps, when I've paid off my bills.

Matt.听摆To听Pilcher.] Will you kindly let my daughter have your lowest tariff for ladies?

Dolly.听Oh, please don't be in such a hurry. What about your own contribution? Mr. Pilcher, I hope you don't intend to let my father escape.

Pilcher.听I understood Mr. Barron was prepared to risk a five-pound note that you and Mr. Telfer will not carry your New Year resolutions into practice?

Matt.听With the almost certain chance of drawing a five-pound note from Harry and a new hat from Dolly.

Pilcher.听I'm afraid I can't hold out those inducements. But I can offer you the very pleasing alternatives of chuckling over your daughter's and Mr. Telfer's lapses, or of contributing five pounds to an excellent charity!

Matt.听H'm! Well I'll do my best to oblige you, Mr. Pilcher! Let me see!

[Looking round, his eye falls on听搁别苍颈别听and听尝耻肠补蝉听who, at the beginning of the above conversation have gone into conservatory at lower door, and now come out again at upper door. She has a hot-house flower in her hand, and they are eagerly absorbed in their conversation. The听笔谤辞蹿别蝉蝉辞谤听talking to听贬补谤谤测听and not noticing.

Renie.听摆Becoming aware that听惭补迟迟听is watching them.] Yes, that arrangement of the stamens is quite unusual. It's what the gardener calls a "sport"---[21]---

Lucas.听摆Examining the flower.] Jolly good sport, too!

Matt.听I'm not sure that we haven't even better sport here------

Renie.听摆Coming to him.] Sport? What sport? Can we join?

Matt.听That's just what I was going to propose. There are four of you here, who heard Mr. Pilcher's excellent discourse last night. And you are all determined to turn over a new leaf this year. Isn't that so?

Dolly.听驰别蝉!

Harry.听I know I am.

Matt.听Mrs. Sturgess?

Renie.听Yes, indeed!

Matt.听Lucas, you?

Lucas.听Yes, Uncle.

Matt.听On the first of January next, I am prepared to put a sovereign in that money-box for every one of you who can honestly declare that he has broken himself or herself of his bad habits during the year.

Lucas.听I say, not all our bad habits?

Matt.听H'm. I don't wish to be exacting---I've no doubt each of听听has his own little failing or weakness. Well, come to me and say on your honour that you've conquered this or that pet special weakness---and in goes my sovereign.

Lucas.听You don't really mean it?

Matt.听Indeed I do. I hope you won't stand out and---spoil sport, eh?

Lucas.听Oh, I don't mind coming in---just for the lark of the thing.

Matt.听Then you all agree?

Dolly.听Oh yes.

Harry.听颁别谤迟补颈苍濒测.

Matt.听Mrs. Sturgess?[22]

Renie.听We don't know where we may be next Christmas.

Dolly.听You'll be here with us. I invite you on the spot. You accept?

Renie.听Yes, delighted, if my husband------

Prof.听Very pleased.

Matt.听Well, Mr. Pilcher, I think I've made your Blanket Club a very handsome offer.

Pilcher.听Very handsome. [Taking out watch.] I hope our friends will cordially respond, for the sake of my Blanket Club.

Dolly.听You'll stay for a cup of tea?

Pilcher.听I've heaps of New Year's calls to make. I'm afraid I must be going; good afternoon, Professor!

Prof.听Good afternoon.

Pilcher.听Good afternoon, Telfer.

Harry.听Good afternoon.

Pilcher.听Good-bye, Mrs. Sturgess.

Renie.听骋辞辞诲-产测别. So many thanks for your eloquent sermon.

[Shaking hands.

Pitcher.听Now, was I eloquent? I suppose I was, since I've produced such an invigorating New Year atmosphere.

摆搁别苍颈别听moves her French novel.

Matt.听And brought Lucas over from Aldershot in the snow!

Lucas.听搁补迟丑别谤! I shall come again next year.

[Shaking hands.

Pilcher.听Do. And then we shall be able to estimate the effect of my eloquence.

Matt.听摆Tapping the money-box.] We shall!

Pilcher.听Good-bye, Mrs. Telfer.

Dolly.听骋辞辞诲-产测别. [Rings bell.

Pilcher.听Good-bye, Mr. Barron.

Matt.听骋辞辞诲-产测别.摆23闭

Pilcher.听You might be inclined to risk a sovereign on yourself for the Blanket Club?

Matt.听I daren't. I can't trust my gray matter---I should make a dreadful fiasco.

摆颁谤颈诲诲濒别听appears at door.

Pilcher.听Mrs. Telfer, I leave him in your hands.

[Exit听笔颈濒肠丑别谤.听颁谤颈诲诲濒别听closes the door after him.

Matt.听Dolly, I don't mind having that new Parisian hat on with you.

Dolly.听Done! I don't mind how much I punish you.

Prof.听摆Taking out his watch.] Half past three, my dear.

Renie.听I don't think I'll go out this afternoon.

Prof.听Oh, you'd better take your little constitutional. You missed it yesterday. I'm sure your restlessness is due to your not taking regular exercise.

Renie.听Which way are you going? [Yawning.

Prof.听My usual round, up to the White House and back by the fish-pond.

Renie.听Perhaps I'll join you at the fish-pond.

Prof.听摆To听惭补迟迟.] Nothing like living by rule and measure.

Matt.听I shouldn't wonder. I've never tried it.

Prof.听I ascribe my constant good health and contentment to my unvarying routine of work and diet and exercise. [Exit.

Matt.听Then where do my constant good health and contentment come from?

Lucas.听Dolly, I left my evening kit here. Could you put me up for the night?

Dolly.听Delighted! You'll make up our rubber.

Lucas.听搁颈驳丑迟!

Matt.听Not going to ride back to Aldershot again to-night?

Lucas.听Not to-night, thank you.[24]

Matt.听Just a shade too bracing, eh?

Lucas.听Just a shade! Dolly, I haven't seen your new fish-pond. Is anybody going to meet the Professor?

[Glancing at听搁别苍颈别.

Matt.听I am. [Linking his arm in听Lucas's.] We'll get into an unvarying routine of exercise for the next hour. Come along!

[Takes听尝耻肠补蝉听off as he is exchanging a look with听搁别苍颈别.听搁别苍颈别听makes to follow them, stops at door, turns back a little, stops, takes out听尝耻肠补蝉'蝉听letter from her French novel, goes to fire and reads it. Meanwhile the following scene takes place between听顿辞濒濒测听and听贬补谤谤测.

Harry.听摆To听顿辞濒濒测.] Now, Dolly, we can go through your bills.

[Going to her writing-desk.

Dolly.听驰别蝉. Hadn't I better sort them out first?

Harry.听摆Taking up bills.] Oh, I'll help you sort them out------

Dolly.听Take care! You'll muddle all my papers. [Taking bills out of his hands, and closing down the writing-desk.] I want to have a little talk with Renie---you'd better join them at the fish-pond.

Harry.听Well, so long as you do get them sorted, and squared up. What about after tea?

Dolly.听All right. After tea.

Harry.听After tea. We'll have a nice cosy half-hour, all to ourselves, and sweep them all out of our minds.

[With a gesture.

Dolly.听摆Nods cheerfully.] Yes, a nice cosy half-hour and sweep them all out of our minds. [With his gesture. Exit听贬补谤谤测听briskly. She repeats his gesture.]听摆25]Sweep them all out of our minds. [Opening desk and regarding bills with dismay.] Oh, don't I wish I could! Oh, Renie!

摆搁别苍颈别听is busy with her letter at the fire.

Renie.听摆Puts letter into pocket.] What is it?

Dolly.听摆Has taken up one or two bills.] These bills! These awful bills! These vampires!

Renie.听Yes, dear! I suppose it's rather dreadful, but it must be sweet to have a dear, kind husband who'll pay them all off.

Dolly.听Harry? He made a dreadful fuss last time. And then I didn't show him all.

Renie.听Well, dear, after all, it's only bills------

Dolly.听Only bills! Only? Well, I'm going to show him every one this time. And what a lesson it shall be to me! That's why I'm so grateful to Mr. Pilcher.

Renie.听奥丑测?

Dolly.听Yesterday afternoon I thought I'd screw up my courage to go through the bills just to see where I was. My dear, I was paralysed! I had the most appalling time! Well, Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick of time. I thought "what an idiot I must be to endure all this misery just for want of a little resolution."

Renie.听Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick of time for me too.

Dolly.听Did it?

Renie.听I had an awful afternoon yesterday!

Dolly.听You?! You haven't any bills?

Renie.听狈辞! [Sighs.] I almost wish I had.

Dolly.听Wish you had?!

Renie.听I almost envy you the delicious experience of having to confess------

Dolly.听Yes dear, you always were fond of scenes, but I'm not!

Renie.听And then the heavenly feeling of being forgiven, and taken in the arms of the man you love![26]

Dolly.听Yes, that part of it is all right. It's what comes before------

[With a little shudder.

Renie.听After all, your husband isn't a machine. He is a human being!

Dolly.听Oh, Harry's a perfect dear in most things, but he has got a temper!

Renie.听My husband never even swears at me! Oh, Dolly, you are lucky!

Dolly.听贬耻尘!

Renie.听Oh, Dolly------ [Sighs and goes away.

Dolly.听Is anything the matter?

Renie.听No dear. Nothing, except---oh, life is so hard! so hard!

Dolly.听Renie, if you're in trouble------

Renie.听Thank you, dear. I knew you'd help me.

Dolly.听Yes, so long as it isn't money. And even then I'd help you, only I can't.

Renie.听It isn't money.

Dolly.听Then what is it?

Renie.听摆Looking at听顿辞濒濒测听curiously.] I wonder if you would understand.

Dolly.听I'll do my best.

Renie.听It's such a strange story. [Moving away,听顿辞濒濒测听makes a little dubious grimace behind her back.听搁别苍颈别听suddenly comes up to听顿辞濒濒测听very effusively.] Dolly, I will trust you. You know I thoroughly admire and honour my husband.

Dolly.听摆A little startled.] Ye-es.

Renie.听You know that nothing could ever induce me to wrong him for a moment?

Dolly.听狈辞------

Renie.听Nothing could be further from my thoughts.

Dolly.听No---but is there anybody---Renie, who is it?

Renie.听Give me your sacred promise you'll never breathe a word to any living soul?[27]

Dolly.听Not a word---who is it?

Renie.听Not even to your husband?

Dolly.听Not even to my husband.

Renie.听Nor to him?

Dolly.听Him? No, of course not. Who is it?

Renie.听Well, dear, you know what my life has been. Few women have met with so little real sympathy as I. Few women have suffered------

Dolly.听No, dear. Who is it? Do I know him?

Renie.听Your cousin Lucas has a deep and sincere admiration for me.

Dolly.听Lu!? Lu!? Of course! I might have known he'd never ride a dozen miles in the snow for a sermon! It's disgraceful of him!

Renie.听No, dear, he's not to blame. We are neither of us to blame.

Dolly.听摆Contemptuously.] Oh! Why you haven't known him a month, have you?

Renie.听I met him for the first time in this room three weeks ago last Thursday afternoon.

Dolly.听It's a great pity the Professor didn't come down with you.

Renie.听That would have made no difference. It had to be!

Dolly.听What had to be? Renie, how far has this gone? You've been meeting him alone------

Renie.听Once or twice.

Dolly.听You've slipped away every afternoon this week.

Renie.听However often I may have met him, he has offered me nothing but the most chivalrous attention. He has always respected me------

Dolly.听Well then, he mustn't respect you any more. It must be stopped.

Renie.听Dolly, I didn't expect you to take up this attitude.[28]

Dolly.听You don't suppose I'm going to have this sort of thing in my own house, do you?

Renie.听What sort of thing?

Dolly.听Do you remember the awful row I got into at school when your boy's love letter was discovered in the Banbury cakes you'd persuaded me to take in for you?

Renie.听But you received Banbury cakes of your own!

Dolly.听Not since I've been married. Of course before your marriage your outrageous flirting didn't much matter------

Renie.听Outrageous flirting?---If I seemed to flirt------

Dolly.听厂别别尘别诲?!

Renie.听It was only in the vain hope of meeting with one who could offer me the perfect homage that I have always felt would one day be mine.

Dolly.听Well, he mustn't offer it here! I shall tell him so very plainly. He'd better not stay to dinner.

Renie.听There is no reason Captain Wentworth should not stay to dinner. He has given me the one absolutely blameless unselfish devotion of his life. I've accepted it on that distinct understanding. I've trusted you with my secret, a secret honourable alike to Captain Wentworth and myself. You've promised not to breathe a word to any living soul. You surely don't mean to break your word?

Dolly.听I don't mean to stand the racket of your Banbury cakes.

Renie.听I didn't expect you to be so unsympathetic. You promised to help me!

Dolly.听Help you! How did you expect me to help you?

Renie.听My husband has to go to Edinburgh next week to give a course of lectures there.[29]

Dolly.听奥别濒濒?

Renie.听He wants me to go with him. Dearest, it would be perfectly sweet of you to ask me to stay on another fortnight here.

Dolly.听摆Makes a little movement of indignant surprise.] I see!

Renie.听There could be no possible harm in it now that you know our attachment is quite innocent and that you can look after me every moment. Dearest, you might oblige me in a tiny little matter like this.

Dolly.听摆After a pause.] I'll think it over------

Renie.听Thank you so much.

Dolly.听Renie, you said Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick of time------

Renie.听So it did.

Dolly.听You don't call this the "nick of time"?!

Renie.听Yes, indeed. I went to church in a perfect fever. I didn't know what to do. Well, as I listened to Mr. Pilcher everything became quite clear to me. I resolved I would accept Captain Wentworth's pure unselfish devotion and make it a lever to raise all my ideals and aspirations!

Dolly.听But there wasn't anything in Mr. Pilcher's sermon about------

Renie.听Oh yes, there was a lot about ideals and aspirations.

Dolly.听Yes, but not the sort of aspirations you have for Lucas. I suppose you know he makes love to every woman he comes across?

Renie.听He told me he had been led into one or two unworthy attachments.

Dolly.听驰别蝉! That's quite right. So he has! One or two!

Renie.听That was before he met me.

Dolly.听Yes, and this will be before he meets the next lady.[30]

Renie.听摆Looks at听顿辞濒濒测听severely.] My dear Dolly, with your light frivolous nature it is impossible for you to understand a pure and exalted attachment like ours. Listen! [Taking out a letter.] This will show you his fine nature, his fine feelings---"From the first moment I saw you------"

惭补迟迟听enters.

Renie.听摆Putting letter in pocket.] Well, have you had a听听飞补濒办?

Matt.听Very pleasant---and instructive. The Professor asked me to remind you that he's waiting for you at the fish-pond.

Renie.听I'd better go. I shall get a little lecture all to myself if I don't. [Going off, to听顿辞濒濒测.] Thank you, dear, so much for your kind invitation to stay on!

Dolly.听Don't mention it!

Renie.听I shall try to manage it. [Exit.

Dolly.听Yes, I'm sure you will.

Matt.听Mrs. Sturgess going to stay on?

Dolly.听She wants me to invite her. But I won't if I can help it. [Goes to him suddenly.] Dad!

Matt.听奥别濒濒?

Dolly.听That wretched Lucas!

Matt.听What about him?

Dolly.听No, I've promised her not to breathe a word. So you must guess. [Pause.] Have you guessed?

Matt.听摆After a pause.] Yes. Well, I---[Begins to chuckle.] So Lucas is up to his old games!

Dolly.听My own guest! Under my own roof! It's too horrid of him.

Matt.听摆Chuckling.] It is! It's too bad! The rascal.

Dolly.听Oh, it's more than half her fault! It's just like her!

[惭补迟迟听suddenly bursts from a chuckle into a roar.

[31]

Dolly.听What are you laughing at?

Matt.听I've just left------ [Chuckling.] I've just left the Professor down at the fish-pond explaining to Lucas all about his gray matter, and------ [Roars.

Dolly.听I don't see anything to laugh at.

Matt.听Twelve miles in the snow------ I say, Doll, we're making a splendid start for the New Year! [Laughing.

Dolly.听顿补诲! Will you please leave off? [Shaking his shoulder.] Will you be serious?

Matt.听Yes, my dear!! [Pulling himself together and straightening his features.] Yes, I will. After all, it's a serious matter.

Dolly.听It's very serious for me, in a neighbourhood like this!

Matt.听It's serious for me, as I was Lucas's guardian. And it's serious for him. If he goes and plays the fool, it may spoil his career---the young ass!

Dolly.听Very well, then, will you please treat it seriously and set to work and help me?

Matt.听How far have matters gone?

Dolly.听Oh, there's no real harm done at present.

Matt.听How do you know?

Dolly.听Oh, Lucas is writing her silly letters and she's talking about his pure and exalted devotion, and making it a lever to raise all her ideals and aspirations.

Matt.听摆Shakes his head.] That looks bad! That looks very dangerous for her.

Dolly.听Oh, no; she knows how to take care of herself. But it's dangerous for me!

Matt.听How, dangerous for you?!

Dolly.听If there's the least bit of scandal she'll contrive to drag me into it! I know her so well.

Matt.听摆Walking about, cogitating.] Yes, and we mustn't let Lucas make a mess of it.

Dolly.听What can we do?[32]

Matt.听When I was over at Aldershot last week Sir John said something about giving Lucas an A. D. C. in India. I'll drive over to-morrow and ask Sir John to pack Lucas out of the country for a year or two!

Dolly.听That's a good idea. But it may take some time?

Matt.听A week or so, perhaps more.

Dolly.听But if they find out they're going to be parted, it is just this next week when there will be all the danger.

Matt.听That's true.

Dolly.听They ought to be parted to-night.

Matt.听They ought! They ought! Not a doubt about it! Not a shadow of doubt! They ought to be parted to-night!

Dolly.听顿补诲! I believe I can frighten Renie out of it.

Matt.听Frighten her?

Dolly.听I'll try! And you must take Lucas in hand------

Matt.听H'm! Isn't Harry the right person------?

Dolly.听No, I sha'n't tell Harry. Harry would only get into a temper and muddle it. No, you must get Lucas to take himself off.

Matt.听Take himself off!

Dolly.听I won't have him here. You can tell him so. Be very severe with him.

Matt.听摆Dubious.] H'm!

Dolly.听Take a very high tone.

Matt.听I'm not sure that taking a high tone is quite in my line.

Dolly.听Then please try it. Dad, you do realize how very serious this is, don't you?

Matt.听Yes, of course. Very well, I'll tackle Lucas. We'll see what a high tone will do with him. Heigho! Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!---Sad! Sad!! Sad!!![33]

Dolly.听贬耻蝉丑!

尝耻肠补蝉听and听贬补谤谤测听enter.听尝耻肠补蝉听looks round for听搁别苍颈别.听顿辞濒濒测听and听惭补迟迟听talk in whispers as if settling a plan.听贬补谤谤测听goes up to the collecting-box, takes out his knife and begins to scrape off the label.

Dolly.听摆In a very severe tone to听尝耻肠补蝉,听who is peeping into conservatory.] Are you looking for anything?

Lucas.听I was wondering whether there was any tea going.

Dolly.听摆Same severe tone.] The tea is not in the conservatory.

Lucas.听No, but I thought it might be getting on to the听

Dolly.听摆Same tone.] The tea will be served in due course.

Lucas.听摆Surprised at her tone.] Is anything the matter?

摆顿辞濒濒测听looks at him severely, says nothing, turns to听惭补迟迟.听尝耻肠补蝉听looks puzzled, goes away, and again looks furtively into conservatory for听搁别苍颈别.

Harry.听摆Scraping away at the collecting-box.] Don't forget, Doll---our cosy half hour after tea------

[Nodding at the writing-desk.

Dolly.听I won't forget.

Matt.听摆Has come up behind听贬补谤谤测,听touches the arm he is scraping with.] Hospital for Incurables! I shouldn't scrape that off at present.

CURTAIN.

[34]

(Four or five hours pass between Acts I and II.)

ACT TWO

厂肠别苍别:听The same, on the same evening, after dinner. The sofa is now brought down below the fireplace, and fronts the audience a little diagonally, its right end being farthest up stage. The small table with the hospital box, and the easy chair are above the sofa, a little to the right of it.

Enter听搁别苍颈别,听much distressed and agitated.听顿辞濒濒测听follows quickly, closes the door cautiously and mysteriously.

Renie.听But I don't understand. Captain Wentworth and I have been so little together------

Dolly.听Well, my dear, there it is! My father is the last man to pry into other people's affairs, but you see it has been forced upon his notice. And from the tone he took------

Renie.听What tone?

Dolly.听He was very severe.

Renie.听摆Alarmed.] But what did he say he had seen?

Dolly.听He wouldn't go into particulars. He seemed very much upset------

Renie.听鲍辫蝉别迟?!

Dolly.听Perhaps I ought to say shocked.

Renie.听厂丑辞肠办别诲?!

Dolly.听And when my father is shocked it must be something very glaring------

Renie.听摆More and more alarmed.] But there hasn't been anything glaring------

Dolly.听Well, dear, of course, you know.

Renie.听But I cannot imagine------ [Suddenly.] It must have been that day at the stile![35]

Dolly.听Perhaps. What happened? No, I don't wish to hear------

Renie.听Captain Wentworth assisted me over the stile------

Dolly.听奥别濒濒?------

Renie.听That's all. He may have taken a little longer about it than was quite necessary, and I may have leaned a little heavier than the circumstances required. But it was all done in perfectly good taste.

Dolly.听摆Shakes her head.] It can't have been the stile.

Renie.听Then what------? [Cudgels her brains.] The dairy!

Dolly.听Very likely. Was that very---no, don't tell me------

Renie.听There's nothing to tell. The woman at the farm, Mrs.------

Dolly.听叠颈驳驳蝉------

Renie.听Biggs, asked me to go over her model dairy.

Dolly.听Did she ask Lucas?

Renie.听He came. Mrs. Biggs insisted on our tasting her mince pies------

Dolly.听Mince pies---? Yes?

Renie.听While she went to get one------

Dolly.听Get one------

Renie.听She wasn't out of the dairy ten seconds------

Dolly.听No---and then?

Renie.听Captain Wentworth------ a------

Dolly.听Respected you!

Renie.听摆Firing up.] He is always most respectful! In the most delicate, exquisitely chivalrous way, he implored me for one first and only kiss, and just as I was refusing him, somebody passed the dairy windows------

Dolly.听My father often strolls that way------

[36]

Renie.听But I was quite cold and correct------ [Very anxiously.] Dolly, tell me exactly what Mr. Barron said?

Dolly.听At first he was going to speak to you himself, but I said, "No, that's my duty! I'm her oldest friend; I'll talk to her!"

Renie.听驰别---别蝉?

Dolly.听So, at last he consented, and said: "Very well. Be very firm with her, because this sort of thing taking place under my very nose and under my daughter's roof is what I cannot, and will not, tolerate for one moment!"

Renie.听He must have passed the dairy windows!

Dolly.听驰别蝉.

Renie.听And jumped to a wrong conclusion.

Dolly.听驰别蝉. And that isn't the worst------

Renie.听摆Freshly alarmed.] Not the worst?!

Dolly.听Now, don't be alarmed, dear------

Renie.听About what?

Dolly.听Didn't you notice something strange in your husband's manner at dinner?

Renie.听狈辞. What makes you think------?

Dolly.听My dear, if my father noticed it, why not your husband? Suppose all this time the Professor has been quietly, stealthily watching you and Lucas.

Renie.听摆Alarmed.] Dolly!

Dolly.听And waiting his time------

Renie.听Oh, Dolly!

Dolly.听Didn't you notice how he insisted on your going to the fish-pond?

Renie.听Yes, he did!

Dolly.听Didn't it strike you there was something in that?

Renie.听No, and he hasn't said anything------

Dolly.听Of course not. Naturally he would hide his suspicions from you till the right moment.

Renie.听Right moment?[37]

Dolly.听Now, dear, you see how serious things are. You mustn't run any more risks. This must be broken off to-night.

Renie.听罢辞-苍颈驳丑迟?!

Dolly.听Now, what can I do to help you?

Renie.听You might tell Mr. Barron there was nothing in the dairy windows.

Dolly.听Of course I'll tell him, but if he saw------

Renie.听But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing------

Dolly.听No, dear. What else can I do?

Renie.听Could you find out exactly how much he has seen and heard, and---a---pump him a little?

Dolly.听I don't like pumping people---still---What else?

Renie.听摆Breaking down.] Oh, Dolly, this blow could not have fallen at a more cruel moment.

Dolly.听No, dear.

Renie.听It came just when I had lost all the illusions of girlhood, when all my woman's nature began to cry out------

Dolly.听驰别蝉---摆Suddenly.] Hark! [Listens.] Hush!

[Creeps up to door, listens, opens it, looks out, closes it again.

Renie.听What was it?

Dolly.听贬耻蝉丑! Voices! I thought it might be Lucas and the Professor quarrelling.

Renie.听I really don't think my husband suspects------

Dolly.听No, I daresay it's only my imagination.

Renie.听And if he did---Dolly, is there one man living, except my husband, who would condemn me for being the object of a noble, single-hearted devotion like Captain Wentworth's?

Dolly.听No, dear, perhaps not. But, you see, as[38]听husbands they take quite a different view of things from what they do merely as men.

Renie.听Tell me candidly, Dolly, you see nothing wrong in it, do you?

Dolly.听Well, dear, when you say wrong------

Renie.听But I assure you there isn't---nothing could be further from my thoughts.

Dolly.听No, dear---still, people are so full of prejudice---now what can I do?

Renie.听摆Clasping听顿辞濒濒测'蝉听hand warmly.] Oh, Dolly, you can help me so much.

Dolly.听摆A little alarmed.] Can I? Tell me------

Renie.听If Lucas and I are parted------ [Breaks down.] I can't bear it! I can't bear it!

Dolly.听Try, dear! Try!

Renie.听摆Sobbing.] I will. And if at any time I long to hear how he bears our separation, you won't mind receiving a letter, and sending it on to me?

Dolly.听I'm afraid I couldn't do that, dear. You see, I'm so careless, and if I left the letter about, and Harry found it---no, dear------

Renie.听You won't help me?

Dolly.听Yes, dear, I'll do anything in my power! [Suddenly.] I'll tell you what I can do!

Renie.听驰别蝉?

Dolly.听My father is telling Lucas he must leave to-night. Well, I can spare you all the pain and misery of saying "Good-bye," and take one last message to him.

Renie.听摆Curtly.] No, thank you. It's most unkind of you to send him away like this. I must see him alone before he goes.

Dolly.听摆Shakes her head.] My father insists, and suppose Lucas feels that he owes it to your reputation to go quietly------

Renie.听Without seeing me?![39]

Dolly.听And suppose the Professor is really watching you------

摆搁别苍颈别听shows great perplexity.听顿辞濒濒测听is watching her.

Dolly.听If you don't see Lucas, what message shall I take him?

Renie.听Tell him how proud I am of his noble, unselfish devotion; tell him I shall always look upon it as the one supreme happiness of my life to have known him------

The听笔谤辞蹿别蝉蝉辞谤听and听惭补迟迟丑别飞听enter. The听笔谤辞蹿别蝉蝉辞谤听has diagrams and illustrations in his hand. Following the听笔谤辞蹿别蝉蝉辞谤听and听惭补迟迟听are听贬补谤谤测听and听Lucas. Lucas,听after a little time, comes up to听顿辞濒濒测听and听搁别苍颈别,听who are seated on sofa. The听笔谤辞蹿别蝉蝉辞谤听is speaking to听惭补迟迟听as he enters, and is showing him an illustration.

Prof.听摆In his hard, metallic voice.] Observe that woman's facial angle---[pointing] the peculiar curve of the lip, and the irregular formation of the nose.

[Describing a little upward curve on the paper with his thumb.

Matt.听I have seen sweeter things in ladies' lips and noses.

[Describing the same little upward curve with his thumb on the paper.

Prof.听Can you be surprised at her history?

Matt.听Who was she?

Prof.听Jane Sweetman, the notorious trigamist. Looking at that woman's cranium I maintain it was impossible for her to avoid------

Matt.听Committing trigamy?

Prof.听Well, some species of grave moral delinquency.[40]

摆顿辞濒濒测听clutches听搁别苍颈别'蝉听wrist significantly. The听笔谤辞蹿别蝉蝉辞谤听hands the illustration to听贬补谤谤测,听who examines it.听惭补迟迟听moves away a step and unobtrusively feels his own nose and forehead.

Harry.听摆Has examined the illustration.] By Jove, yes---anybody can see she was bound to come a moral cropper, eh?

[He hands the illustration to听顿辞濒濒测,听who passes it to听搁别苍颈别,听with a very significant glance, pointing out something on the paper.听尝耻肠补蝉听leans over the back of the sofa between听搁别苍颈别听and听顿辞濒濒测听to look at the illustration. As he leans on the back of the sofa,听顿辞濒濒测听draws herself up very indignantly, gives him a severe look; moves a little away from him, sits and looks very severely in front of her. He cannot understand her attitude, draws back a little and looks puzzled.

Prof.听摆Bringing out another illustration, offering it to听惭补迟迟.] Now look at this.

Matt.听摆Taking illustration.] Somebody's brains!

Prof.听Tell me if you notice anything peculiar.

摆贬补谤谤测听leans over听惭补迟迟'蝉听shoulder, and looks at the illustration.听尝耻肠补蝉听again leans over the sofa, between听顿辞濒濒测听and听搁别苍颈别. 顿辞濒濒测听again moves a little further away from him with another indignant look.听尝耻肠补蝉听is again puzzled, but bends and looks over the illustration in听搁别苍颈别'蝉听hands.

Lucas.听So that's Jane Sweetman! Well, if Jane[41]听was bound to come a moral cropper, I'm very glad I wasn't bound to come a moral cropper with Jane, eh, Dolly? [Very pleasantly.

Dolly.听摆Very severely.] I should scarcely have thought you troubled whom you came a moral cropper with!

[Looks at him severely, goes up to writing-desk, seats herself and writes letter. He feels himself snubbed, and moves a step or two back, stands and looks puzzled.听笔谤辞蹿别蝉蝉辞谤听has been critically regarding听惭补迟迟听and听贬补谤谤测,听who have been looking at the illustration.

Prof.听Well, does anything strike you?

Matt.听狈辞. [Holding it out.] Looks rather pulpy---rather---a---squashy------

Prof.听Exactly! Observe the soft, almost watery condition of that gray matter. What is the inevitable consequence?

Matt.听I couldn't quite say---whom did that gray matter belong to?

Prof.听Harriet Poy.

Matt.听I don't remember Harriet------

Prof.听The Pyromaniac. At the age of four set fire to her mother's bed. At twelve was found saturating blankets with petroleum; at sixteen fired three hayricks, for which she was sentenced to six months' imprisonment.

Matt.听Poor Harriet! But of course if her gray matter went and got watery------

Prof.听Just so! I maintain that with her gray matter in that condition it was a stupid crime to send her to prison.

Dolly.听摆Looking round from desk.] But what are we to do with people whose gray matter goes wrong?[42]

Prof.听I propose to deal with that question at Edinburgh. [To听惭补迟迟.] You might, perhaps, care to run down to Edinburgh for my lectures------

Matt.听I should love it above all things; but the fact is, I'm so thoroughly of your opinion------

Prof.听Are you?! I'm delighted I've convinced you.

Matt.听Completely. All my life I've been doing things I should never have dreamed of doing if my gray matter had done its duty and not got watery.

Harry.听摆Begins.] Yes, when you come to think of all the rotten things you find yourself doing, you feel, by Jove------

[Suddenly recalls that he has said "by Jove," and being near the collection-box, he quietly pulls sixpence out of his pocket and drops it in.

Matt.听Bravo, Harry! [Patting him.

Harry.听Oh, I mean it!---Professor, isn't it time for our hundred up?

Prof.听摆Taking out watch.] In two minutes.

Harry.听I'll go and get the balls out and chalk the cues. [Going up to door.] Doll, [taps the writing-desk] you put it off after tea---by-and-by, you know!

Dolly.听摆She has finished letter, has risen, and closed writing-desk.] By-and-by.

Harry.听Before we go to bed---don't forget.

Dolly.听Oh, I sha'n't forget.

[Makes a wry face. Exit听贬补谤谤测.

Prof.听Renie, you were complaining of headache. It would be wise to take a short stroll in the cool air.

Renie.听Oh, very well.

Prof.听Wrap up thoroughly. Ten minutes, not longer.

[43]

[Exit.听顿辞濒濒测,听unseen by听搁别苍颈别听and听尝耻肠补蝉,听slips the note she has been writing into听惭补迟迟'蝉听hands. He takes it down stage, right, and reads it.听搁别苍颈别听and听尝耻肠补蝉听have been talking, apart; they move towards the door to get out, but听顿辞濒濒测听is standing in the way of their exit.

Dolly.听Oh, Renie! I'll put on my things, and come with you.

Renie.听But Captain Wentworth has offered------

Dolly.听I've a splitting headache---I must get a little air. And Dad wants to have a talk with Lucas, don't you?

Matt.听If he can spare five minutes.

Lucas.听Won't by-and-by be just as convenient?

Dolly.听摆Facing听尝耻肠补蝉,听speaking firmly.] No, by-and-by will not be just as convenient. Now, Renie, we'll leave them together.

[Gets听搁别苍颈别听off, turns, looks daggers at听尝耻肠补蝉,听goes off after听搁别苍颈别,听closes door in his face. He opens it, and goes after her.

Lucas.听I say, Doll, what's up? [Follows her off.] What's the matter?

Matt.听摆Reading听顿辞濒濒测'蝉听note.] "Be very severe with him. Make a great point of the dairy windows. He'll understand." Dairy windows?

[Puts the note in his pocket, as听尝耻肠补蝉听re-enters, puzzled and disappointed.

Lucas.听I can't think what's the matter with Dolly. She has done nothing but snub me all the evening.

Matt.听摆Looking at him sternly.] So I should imagine!

Lucas.听摆Startled by his manner.] I say, have I done anything?

Matt.听Done anything! I'm a man of the world! nobody can accuse me of being strait-laced, and[44]听therefore I suppose you think you can come here and set at defiance all the------it's disgraceful!

Lucas.听Would you mind telling me what you're hinting at?

Matt.听I'm not hinting! I'm going to speak out very plainly, and I tell you that I look upon your conduct as something atrocious!

Lucas.听I say, Uncle, what's all this about?

Matt.听What's it about? What's it about? It's about the dairy windows!

Lucas.听Then it was you---phew!---so it was you?

Matt.听Well, after the dairy windows, can you stand there and tell me you aren't thoroughly, completely, heartily ashamed of yourself?

Lucas.听Well, I suppose I am. But, after all, it wasn't so very bad------

Matt.听Not bad?!

Lucas.听Well, not so d---ee---d awful.

Matt.听摆Regards him for a few moments.] Well, I'm astonished! If you don't consider your behaviour d---ee---d awful, will you please find me some word that will describe it?

Lucas.听You know you're putting a much worse construction on this than the necessities of the case demand.

Matt.听奥丑补迟?!

Lucas.听I've nothing to reproach myself with. Mrs. Biggs wasn't out of the dairy three minutes, and you were hanging about the windows all the time.

Matt.听I was hanging about the windows?

Lucas.听Yes, and I must say that when you saw two people engaged in an interesting conversation the least you could do was to pass on and take no notice.

Matt.听"Interesting conversation"?!

Lucas.听Well, what did you call it? If it comes to that, what do you accuse me of?[45]

Matt.听Well, here you are, on the first day of the year, after listening to a most eloquent sermon, after making a solemn resolution to give up all your bad habits------

Lucas.听Excuse me, I expressly stated that I didn't mean to give up听all听my bad habits. And I don't call this a bad habit.

Matt.听You don't call making love to a married woman a bad habit?!

Lucas.听Of course in one sense it is a bad habit. But it isn't a bad habit in the sense that other bad habits are bad habits. Look at all the decent chaps who've been led into it!

Matt.听That doesn't excuse you. And if you think that I'm going to countenance your conduct, you are very much mistaken in your estimate of my character.

Lucas.听摆Very quietly.] May I ask you one simple question?

Matt.听奥别濒濒?

Lucas.听When you were my age, if you found yourself alone in a dairy with a good-looking woman, and she was good for a dozen kisses or so, wouldn't you have taken advantage of it?

Matt.听狈辞!

Lucas.听Not at my age?

Matt.听狈辞---苍辞------

Lucas.听Well, what would you have done?

Matt.听I should have summoned all my resolution------

Lucas.听Oh, that be hanged! Come, Uncle, no humbug! Man to man!

Matt.听Well, I don't say that at your age I might not have been tempted---and of course we must all go through a certain amount of experience, or how should we be able to advise you youngsters?

Lucas.听I say, no confounded nonsense---your uncle Archie---[46]---

Matt.听Dear old chap!

Lucas.听What use did you make of his advice?

Matt.听Well, I remember his talking to me very seriously---I suppose I was about your age---did I ever tell you, Lucas, [taking听尝耻肠补蝉'蝉听arm affectionately] about a very remarkable auburn-haired girl, Madge Seaforth?

Lucas.听狈辞.

Matt.听And my racing her across Salisbury Plain at night?

Lucas.听狈辞.

Matt.听Forty-eight miles one glorious May night! I let her beat me! God bless her! I let her beat me! And just as the sun rose we caught sight of Salisbury spire.

Lucas.听Sounds rather jolly!

Matt.听Jolly? And the bacon and eggs we got through for breakfast! Jolly? It was romance! It was poetry! Ah! Lu, my boy, you may say what you like, there's nothing like it on this side heaven. I told you about Mrs. Satterwaite dressing up as a widow and selling her husband?

Lucas.听狈辞?

Matt.听Well, I bet the little hussy a fiver. Oh, Satterwaite richly deserved all he got---I can see Satterwaite's face now, and hers, as she stepped out of the cupboard, with the wickedest twinkle in the wickedest black eye! Ho! Ho! Heigho! Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!---Sad! Sad!! Sad!!! Come, come, Lucas! This won't do! This will never do! Now to get back to this business of yours------

Lucas.听奥别濒濒------

Matt.听When I was your guardian I let you have a pretty good fling?

Lucas.听You did!

Matt.听The pace was rather scorching?[47]

Lucas.听搁补迟丑别谤!

Matt.听I never pulled you up?

Lucas.听No, and I'm grateful.

[Shaking hands very cordially.

Matt.听That's all right. Now, old chap, you've got to pull up!

Lucas.听Pull up?

Matt.听Short. This Mrs. Sturgess---Dolly says there's a lot of nonsense going on, gushing letters and so on,---damned silly thing writing letters, Lu------

Lucas.听Yes, I know.

Matt.听Well, what do you do it for?

Lucas.听I don't know.

Matt.听You're seeing her every day. If you must carry on this tomfoolery, why not do it by word of mouth? Why write it down, to show what an ass you've been?

Lucas.听I'm sure I don't know.

Matt.听Do you know why you're carrying on with her at all?

Lucas.听Well, naturally a chap---naturally------

Matt.听You're either in love with her, or you aren't?

Lucas.听I can't say I'm exactly in love with her------

Matt.听Then why are you making love to her?

Lucas.听Well, she's a jolly good-looking woman, and naturally a chap---naturally---I don't know that I ain't a bit in love with her.

Matt.听Well, it doesn't much matter. If you aren't in love with her you're a fool to risk a scandal. If you are in love you'll most likely do some silly jackass thing that will knock your career on the head, eh?

Lucas.听Well, when you look at it that way------

Matt.听Look at it that way! Anyhow, she's a married woman, and you're here as a guest---it isn't the right thing to do, is it?

Lucas.听No, it isn't.[48]

Matt.听Very well, then, don't do it. Don't do it! Cut it! You will?

Lucas.听I've got to, I suppose.

Matt.听Yes, you've got to. You can tell Doll I gave it to you hot and strong, and you're going to clear out, and not see Mrs. Sturgess again------

Lucas.听Not see her again?

Matt.听Isn't that what you mean to do?

Lucas.听Yes, I suppose. I say, what did you see at the dairy windows?

Matt.听I didn't see anything at all!

Lucas.听Nothing at all?

Matt.听I wasn't there!

Lucas.听Then how------?

Matt.听Dolly put me up to it. [Laughs at him.

Lucas.听顿辞濒濒测?

顿辞濒濒测听enters with a cloak which she throws on sofa.

Matt.听Ah, Doll------

Dolly.听摆Looking severely at听Lucas.] Have you spoken to him?

Matt.听Yes, very seriously, extra seriously, and he's going to do the right thing and clear out, aren't you, Lucas?

Lucas.听摆A little unwillingly.] Yes.

Matt.听摆Clapping him on the shoulder.] Good chap! Good chap!

Dolly.听摆Still a little severe.] I'm pleased to hear it. [To听Lucas.] You've behaved in a most scandalous------

Matt.听He has. I've told him all that. [Winks at听顿辞濒濒测听to keep her quiet.] And he sees it quite plainly, don't you?

[Winks at听尝耻肠补蝉听to prompt him.

Dolly.听Then it's quite broken off?

Matt.听Quite! Isn't it, Lu?

Lucas.听Yes, I suppose. I should like to say------

Dolly.听驰别蝉?[49]

Lucas.听That nothing has taken place which, if rightly looked at, could reflect discredit either upon the lady, or, I hope, upon myself. And secondly, whatever fault there may have been, is entirely mine.

Matt.听That's satisfactory! It always ought to be the man's fault. Heaven forbid it should ever be theirs. Good chap! Good chap! [Patting him.] Dolly, he's behaving splendidly. Now, Lu, good-night.

摆顿辞濒濒测听rings bell.

Lucas.听摆Surprised.] Good-night?!

Dolly.听Good-night, and good-bye! [Holding out her hand.

Lucas.听You aren't going to turn me out to-night!

Dolly.听You said it was quite broken off.

Lucas.听Yes, but------ [turns to听惭补迟迟听with appealing gesture.听Uncle, you didn't mean to pack me off like this------

Matt.听Yes, my boy! Remember the occasion. First day of the New Year. Take time by the forelock. Off you go!

[Taking him by the shoulder and trying to get him off.

Lucas.听摆Resisting.] Oh no! I don't see it in that light at all.

[Sinks comfortably into arm-chair.

颁谤颈诲诲濒别听appears at door.

Dolly.听Criddle, please have Captain Wentworth's portmanteau taken to the billiard-room.

Criddle.听Yes, ma'am.

Dolly.听He wishes to change there, and please send to the Red Lion and ask them to have Captain Wentworth's horse saddled.

Criddle.听Yes, ma'am. [Going.

Lucas.听Criddle, what's the weather like?

Criddle.听It's a bit colder, sir. Looks as if we were going to have another heavy fall of snow.[50]

Lucas.听I don't think I'll go to-night, Criddle. If I want the gee saddled, I'll go and tell them myself.

Criddle.听Yes, sir. [Exit.

Lucas.听摆In arm-chair.] I say, Dolly, you don't really expect me to go careering over that heath at this ungodly hour?

Dolly.听You can't stay here. Renie is very much upset; she has had hysterics. So I've put her in the spare room.

Lucas.听Well, you can give me a shake-down somewhere---in the billiard-room.

Dolly.听摆Shakes her head.] I can't ask the servants to make up impossible beds in impossible places at this ungodly hour.

Lucas.听I call this beastly unfair of you, Doll.

听鲍苍蹿补颈谤?

Lucas.听Just as I'd summoned up all my resolution to do the right thing, and avoid ructions for your sake, you pounce down on me, and order me off the premises, and------

Dolly.听摆Getting angry.] If you don't behave yourself and go off quietly, I shall have to order you off the premises.

[Makes an appeal by gesture to听惭补迟迟听to get him off.

Matt.听Now, my hero! [Lifting him out of the arm-chair.] Buckle on your armor! Sally forth! Once more unto the breach!

[With some difficulty he raises听尝耻肠补蝉听out of the chair.

Lucas.听Well, I'll go and have a look at the weather. [Goes sulkily up to door.] Mind you, if you turn me out I won't be responsible if there's a flare up------

Dolly.听Very well, so long as we don't have a flare-up here. Oh!

[Rings the bell again.

[51]

Lucas.听摆Goes off, sulky, muttering.] Of all the---turning me out---beastly infernal nuisance!

[Exit grumbling, leaving door open.

Dolly.听It would serve them both right if there was to be a flare-up---only I'm sure she'd drag me into it somehow. 摆颁谤颈诲诲濒别听appears at door.] Please send and ask them at the Red Lion to saddle Captain Wentworth's horse and send it here at once.

Criddle.听Yes, ma'am. [Exit.

Dolly.听Lucas is going to behave as badly over this as he did over the governess. Dad------!

Matt.听奥别濒濒?

Dolly.听Of course, Lucas is in the army, but surely he---he isn't a fair sample?

Matt.听Oh no, oh no! Lucas is very exceptional---quite exceptional.

Dolly.听I thought so! They can't all be------

Matt.听Oh no! I'm glad to say------

Dolly.听I'm determined he shall go to-night.

尝耻肠补蝉听re-enters.

Lucas.听I say, Dolly, I wish you'd come and look at the weather.

Dolly.听What for?

Lucas.听There's a great black cloud---it's going to come down!

Dolly.听摆Enraged.] I don't care if the heavens come down! You're going back to Aldershot to-night.

Lucas.听But I tell you------ [Appeals to听惭补迟迟.] It's simply impossible for me to ride across that heath------

Matt.听But you rode across it last night in a howling snowstorm------

Lucas.听Yes, I did! Last night! And never again, thank you! No! I don't mind shaking down anywhere to oblige------

[52]

[He is about to drop again into the arm-chair, but听惭补迟迟听gently pushes him aside and drops into the chair himself.

Lucas.听摆Going to sofa.] Anywhere to oblige!

[Drops comfortably on to sofa.

Dolly.听摆Comes up to him finally.] Lucas, this is abominable! I suppose you think because we treated you so leniently over that wretched governess------

Lucas.听Well, I thought you were pretty deuced hard down on us------

Dolly.听奥丑补迟?! Oh! [Appeals to听惭补迟迟.

Lucas.听I didn't mind your slanging me, but you might have had a little consideration for her feelings, because, after all, she was one of your own sex!

Dolly.听My own sex! The minx!

Lucas.听And an orphan!

Dolly.听Orphan! [To听惭补迟迟.] Go and speak to him! Go and speak to him!

[惭补迟迟听rises and goes to听Lucas.听顿辞濒濒测听sits down in despair.

Matt.听Come, Lu. You're not playing the game! You promised to take yourself off.

Lucas.听摆Comfortably seated.] Well, I will take myself off, only let me take myself off in my own way.

Dolly.听It's useless your staying! Renie won't see you again.

Lucas.听Won't she?

Dolly.听狈辞. She gave me a last message for you------

Lucas.听Did she? Why didn't you give it to me?

Dolly.听If I tell you, will you take yourself off?

Lucas.听Yes, of course. What was her last message?

Dolly.听She said "She should always value your noble devotion, and be proud that she had known you; but you must see how hopeless it was, and that she trusted you would go away at once and leave her to respect you, as you had always respected her!"[53]

Matt.听A very pretty, touching little adieu! Does her great credit. Now, Lu! Cut it! Come, my boy!

[Lifts him up off sofa.听尝耻肠补蝉听gets up very reluctantly.

Lucas.听Well, if I must go---good-night!

Matt.听骋辞辞诲-苍颈驳丑迟. [Shaking hands.] I may see you to-morrow afternoon.

Lucas.听奥丑别谤别?

Matt.听I'm driving over to Aldershot to see Sir John. I shall look you up------

Lucas.听I may not be there in the afternoon------

Dolly.听Lucas, you're coming over here------

Lucas.听No---no; I'm not. You shouldn't suspect me.

Dolly.听It won't be the least use your coming------

Lucas.听I know that. Well, good-bye, Doll------

Dolly.听骋辞辞诲-产测别. [Shaking hands.

Lucas.听摆Is going up to door slowly and reluctantly, turns.] I suppose if I were to give you my solemn promise I wouldn't see her, I couldn't shake down on that sofa.

Dolly.听摆Sternly and decisively.] No!

Lucas.听摆Goes a few more steps towards door, turns.] I suppose I couldn't see Mrs. Sturgess? 摆顿辞濒濒测听looks indignant.] Only to say good-bye.

Dolly.听狈辞! She was nearly undressed when I left her. She's asleep by now!

Enter听搁别苍颈别听fully dressed, looking very interesting and tearful. Throughout the scene she preserves the air of a martyr.

Dolly.听摆Indignantly.] Renie, you promised me you wouldn't come downstairs again!

Renie.听Yes, dear, but I felt I couldn't rest under your father's unjust suspicion. [Goes up to听惭补迟迟,听seizes his hand sympathetically.] Dolly tells me you[54]听have been watching the friendship that all unconsciously has sprung up between Captain Wentworth and myself------

Matt.听摆Uncomfortable.] Not exactly watching------

Renie.听I feel you may have seen, or guessed something, that has given you a wrong impression.

Matt.听No, no! I assure you------

Renie.听If you have, I beg you to speak out and give us a chance of defending ourselves. Tell us exactly what you have seen, and what you suspect------

Matt.听My dear Mrs. Sturgess, I haven't seen anything, and I don't suspect anything.

Renie.听You really mean that?

Matt.听驰别蝉---测别蝉------

Renie.听摆Clasping his hand eagerly.] Thank you so much. Friendship between a man and a woman is听so听尘颈蝉耻苍诲别谤蝉迟辞辞诲.

Matt.听It is.

Dolly.听Yes, Lucas had a friendship with a governess here which we all misunderstood---till afterwards.

Lucas.听I say, Dolly, don't you------

Renie.听Now that there is no chance of your misjudging our friendship, I don't mind saying------ [Shows signs of breaking down.] You won't misunderstand me? [Clinging to his hand.

Matt.听No, no!

Renie.听My life has not been altogether a happy one.

Matt.听I'm sure it hasn't!

Renie.听Under other circumstances---let that pass! [Wrings听惭补迟迟'蝉听hands.] Thank you, thank you! [Goes to听Lucas.] Captain Wentworth, I shall always be proud to have known you.

Dolly.听I've told him all that!

[惭补迟迟听hushes听顿辞濒濒测听with a gesture.

Renie.听I shall always cherish the memory of our[55]听friendship, but it might be misunderstood, and so [breaking down, but bearing up with an effort], you will behave like the gallant gentleman I know you to be, and say good-bye to me for ever!

Matt.听Nobly spoken! Very nobly spoken indeed!

Lucas.听Well, if you insist------

Renie.听I do! Good-bye for ever!

Lucas.听骋辞辞诲-产测别. [They have a long hand-shake.

Renie.听骋辞辞诲-产测别.

[Tears herself away from him and tragically throws herself on sofa.听尝耻肠补蝉听follows her up.

Lucas.听I say, Mrs. Sturgess------

Renie.听摆Face buried in hands, moans out.] Go, go! In pity's name don't make it harder for me!

Matt.听In pity's name don't make it harder for her.

Dolly.听摆Looking off at door.] They'll be coming out of the billiard-room directly.

Matt.听Now, Lucas------

颁谤颈诲诲濒别听appears at door.

Criddle.听Your horse is waiting for you, sir.

Lucas.听My horse?!

Criddle.听Yes, sir, just outside.

Lucas.听What on earth do they mean? A valuable horse like that---just clipped---standing about on a night like this---who told them?

Dolly.听I did. The horse is waiting to take you back to Aldershot.

Lucas.听I can't go back to Aldershot in this kit. [Pointing to his dress-clothes.] Tell them to take it back to the Red Lion!

Dolly.听And Criddle, give the man Captain Wentworth's portmanteau to take to the Red Lion at the same time.

Criddle.听Yes, ma'am. [Exit.[56]

Lucas.听摆Grumbling.] Well, of all------Good-bye, Mrs. Sturgess.

Dolly.听You've said good-bye------

Renie.听摆Still tragic on sofa.] Farewell---for ever!

Lucas.听Good-night, Dolly!

Dolly.听Farewell---for a good long time. [Shaking hands.

Lucas.听Good-night, Uncle.

Matt.听Good-night, Lucas. [Shaking hands.

Lucas.听摆Turns at door.] Happen to have your cigar-case handy?

[惭补迟迟听takes out cigar-case, offers it.

Lucas.听Could you spare two?

Matt.听颁别谤迟补颈苍濒测!

Lucas.听I've got a jolly long ride, I'll take three if you don't mind.

Matt.听顿辞!

Lucas.听Thank'ee. Well, good-night, everybody.

[惭补迟迟听gets听尝耻肠补蝉听off, closes door after him.

Renie.听摆Rouses herself from sofa.] Has he gone? Is it all over?

Dolly.听I hope so. [Goes and rings bell twice.

Renie.听摆Goes to听惭补迟迟听impulsively---and seizes his hand.] At least this bitter experience has gained me one true friend.

Matt.听摆Embarrassed.] Yes------

Renie.听摆Wrings his hand in gratitude.] Thank you so much------

[He gets away from her and shows relief; takes out cigar and prepares to light it.

Renie.听摆Standing in the middle of the room, pitying herself.] That's where we get the worst of it, we women who have hearts! We must feel, we must show our feelings, and then we get trampled down in the fight. Oh, Dolly, how I envy you your nature![57]

Dolly.听摆Very chilly.] Are you going into the spare room, dear?

Renie.听Anywhere! Anywhere! Yes, the spare room!

Peters,听顿辞濒濒测'蝉听maid, appears at door.

Dolly.听Peters, will you bank up the fire in the spare room and make everything comfortable for Mrs. Sturgess?

Peters.听Yes, ma'am. [Exit.

Renie.听摆Still in the middle of the room, pitying herself.] So my poor little tragedy is ended! [To听惭补迟迟.

Matt.听驰别蝉. Well, let's be thankful no bones are broken!

Renie.听No bones, but how about hearts? Well, I must bear it. [With a weary smile.] Mustn't I?

Matt.听I'm afraid you must.

Renie.听Good-night! [Wrings his hand with gratitude.] Good-night!

Matt.听骋辞辞诲-苍颈驳丑迟.

[Gets away from her, and busies himself with his cigar, lights it.

Renie.听Good-night, Dolly!

Dolly.听I'll come up with you, and stay till you're quite comfortable.

Renie.听Shall I ever be comfortable again? Will things ever be the same? I wonder!

[Goes off mournfully and tragically at back with a prolonged sigh.听惭补迟迟听has seated himself on sofa and taken up paper.

Dolly.听摆Calls his attention to听搁别苍颈别'蝉听exit and makes a furious gesture after her.] I know she'll be here next Christmas!

[58]

Marches down enraged to听惭补迟迟听and repeats in an angry, aggrieved way, emphasizing each word.] I know that woman will be here next Christmas!

Matt.听摆Seated comfortably with his cigar and paper] I daresay she will------

摆顿辞濒濒测听marches indignantly and decisively to door and exit.

CURTAIN.

[59]

(Half an hour passes between Acts II and III.)

ACT THREE

厂肠别苍别:听The same. Discover听惭补迟迟听in the same seat and attitude, with paper and cigar.听顿辞濒濒测听enters.

Matt.听奥别濒濒??

Dolly.听I've had an awful time with her------

Matt.听贬辞飞?

Dolly.听摆Seated.] First she had another fit of hysterics---then she longed to go out into the night air to cool her fevered brow---then she moaned out something about her noble Lucas------

Matt.听And now?

Dolly.听I've persuaded her to let Peters undress her. I've got her off my hands at last.

Matt.听That's a comfort.

Dolly.听顿补诲!

Matt.听驰别蝉.

Dolly.听I won't have her here next Christmas.

Matt.听No, I wouldn't.

Dolly.听摆Repeats in a slow, aggrieved, enraged way, emphasizing each syllable.] Whatever happens, I will not have that woman in my house next Christmas. You hear that?

Matt.听驰别蝉. You won't have her here next Christmas!

Dolly.听I mean it, this time. And I won't have Lucas here again for a very long time.

Matt.听I wouldn't.

Dolly.听摆Seated beside him.] Dad, please put away that paper. You're going over to Aldershot to-morrow to try to get Lucas exchanged?

Matt.听I'll try.

Dolly.听Where can you get him sent?[60]

Matt.听---India---South Africa---according as an appointment happens to be vacant.

Dolly.听The further the better, and the longer.

Peters听appears at door.

Dolly.听Well, Peters, have you made Mrs. Sturgess comfortable?

Peters.听I'm trying to, ma'am.

Dolly.听Is she in bed yet?

Peters.听No, ma'am.

Dolly.听Not in bed!

Peters.听No, ma'am, but she seems rather quieter.

Dolly.听She let you undress her, I suppose?

Peters.听I'm just going to, ma'am. She says her brain is still throbbing.

Dolly.听Throbbing!

Peters.听And could you lend her your hop-pillow?

Dolly.听You'll find it in my wardrobe.

Peters.听Yes, ma'am.

Dolly.听Peters, pat up the hop-pillow for her, and insist on undressing her------

Peters.听Yes, ma'am. [Going.

Dolly.听Don't leave her till you've seen her comfortably in bed.

Peters.听No, ma'am.

[Exit. A gust of wind and a little rattle of hail on the conservatory window.

Matt.听Whew! The New Year means business!

Dolly.听And so do I, as Lucas will find out.

Matt.听He is finding it out, on that heath!

Dolly.听驰别蝉! [With a little laugh.] Ha! ha! [A louder gust and rattle of hail.] Listen! Listen! Ha! And he might have been here playing a comfortable rubber by the fire---if he'd simply behaved himself![61]

Matt.听If he'd "simply behaved" himself! What we all miss through not "simply behaving" ourselves.

[Another gust.

Dolly.听摆Laughs.] Ah! He's catching it! I shall insist on Renie driving out with me to-morrow afternoon.

Matt.听驰别蝉.

Dolly.听Then she can't meet Lucas. That will be another sell for him---[Another furious gust and rattle.] Listen! Ha! ha! I wonder how far Lucas has got!

[A noise of something being knocked over in the conservatory, which is lighted.

Matt.听摆Goes to the conservatory door, looks in; is startled.] Hillo! hillo! What?!

尝耻肠补蝉听enters from the upper conservatory door in riding-clothes of first Act.

Dolly.听摆Enraged.] Lucas! [More enraged.] Lucas! How dare you?!

Lucas.听It's all right---don't make a fuss!

Dolly.听摆Furious.] Why aren't you on the way to Aldershot?

Lucas.听I didn't like the look of the weather! I didn't like the look of it at all! So I got them to give me a shake-down at the Red Lion------

Dolly.听摆Indignantly.] Shake-down at the Red Lion!

Lucas.听Yes, on their sofa! You needn't look so black! I asked you first, to let me have a shake-down here---on that sofa------

Dolly.听But why have you come back here?

Lucas.听Well, I must have dropped those cigars uncle Matt gave me. I put them carefully in my side pocket, and when I got down to the Red Lion, lo and behold, they weren't there!

Dolly.听You could have got a cigar at the Red Lion---[62]---

Lucas.听摆Turns to听惭补迟迟听for sympathy.] I could have got a cigar at the Red Lion! [To听顿辞濒濒测.] No, thank you! So I thought I'd just stroll up here in the hope------

Dolly.听In the hope of seeing Mrs. Sturgess! But she's safely in bed this time, and there's no possible chance of your seeing her.

Lucas.听In the hope of getting Harry to give me a decent smoke. Well, I came into the Hall and not wishing to rile you by my hated presence---I slipped into the conservatory------

Enter听贬补谤谤测.

Harry.听摆Surprised at the riding-clothes.] Hillo, Lu, going back to Aldershot to-night?

Lucas.听No, not unless the weather takes a turn. No, Dolly said that as the spare room was occupied, would I mind getting a shake-down at the Red Lion. So I did, and as I've got nothing to smoke, may I cadge a cigar?

Harry.听Yes, old fellow. [Taking out cigar-case.

Dolly.听摆Intercepting.] You said I should take charge of your cigars, in case you should be tempted to smoke more than two a day------

Harry.听By Jove, I forgot all about two per diem---I've been smoking all day. Here, Lu! [About to throw cigar-case to听Lucas.] You'd better take the lot and keep me out of temptation!

Dolly.听狈辞! I'll take charge of that, please.

[Takes the cigar-case, looks angrily at听尝耻肠补蝉,听goes to writing-desk, puts it in.

Peters听appears at door.

Peters.听I beg pardon, ma'am, Mrs. Sturgess------

Dolly.听What about her?

Peters.听When I got back with the hop-pillow she wasn't there. I've looked all over the house, and I[63]听can't find her anywhere. [Glancing off into the conservatory.] Oh, there she is!

Renie听enters, fully dressed from conservatory, very languidly, with handkerchief and smelling-salts.听Peters听goes off.

Dolly.听Renie!

[Looks at听惭补迟迟,听who is inclined to laugh, checks it, shrugs his shoulders and goes over to fire.

Renie.听My head was racking, I had to rush out---I've been pacing up and down under the veranda, up and down, up and down, up and down---摆顿辞濒濒测听makes a little grimace of angry incredulity] it's a little easier now, so I'll take advantage of the lull, and try to get some sleep.

Dolly.听Yes, I would.

Renie.听Good-night, dear.

Dolly.听摆Severely.] Good-night once more.

Renie.听Good-night, Mr. Telfer. [Offering hand.

Harry.听Good-night, I'm awfully sorry------

Renie.听摆With her weary smile.] Oh, it's only a headache. I can bear it. Thank you for your sympathy. [Wringing his hand in fervent gratitude.] Good-night, Mr. Barron.

Matt.听骋辞辞诲-苍颈驳丑迟. I hope we sha'n't have any more little tragedies, eh?

Renie.听摆Very fervently.] I hope not, oh, I hope not! [To听尝耻肠补蝉听very casually and distantly.] Good-night, Captain Wentworth.

Lucas.听摆Same tone.] Good-night, Mrs. Sturgess.

[Exit听搁别苍颈别.听Peters听is seen to join her in the hall. A little pause.

Lucas.听Well, I'll be toddling back to the Red Lion. Good-night, Dolly. 摆顿辞濒濒测听looks at him, furious, turns away.听贬补谤谤测听looks a little surprised.] Good-night, Harry.[64]

Harry. Good-night, Lu. Seems a pity for you to turn out on a night like this. Dolly, can't we give him a shake-down------?

Dolly.听狈辞!

摆贬补谤谤测听shows surprise at her tone. A little pause of embarrassment.

Lucas.听Good-night, Uncle Matt.

Matt.听摆Comes up to him, in a low voice.] Cut it, my dear lad. Cut it! That's understood?

Lucas.听Yes, of course. Well, good-night, Dolly, once more. [She doesn't reply.] Oh well, if you're going on the rampage---[Goes off muttering.] Infernal nuisance---night like this------ [Exit.

Harry.听Is anything the matter?

Dolly.听Lucas has offended me very much. I don't wish to speak of it.

The听笔谤辞蹿别蝉蝉辞谤听enters at back.

Matt.听Well, who was the victor?

Harry.听The Professor won all four games.

Prof.听I ascribe the increased accuracy of my stroke at billiards to my increased nerve force, now I have made Pableine my staple article of diet in place of meat.

Matt.听Flies to the gray matter, eh?

Prof.听Instantaneously.

Matt.听Good stuff!

Prof.听I hope you'll try it. Shall I send a tin to your room?

Matt.听Will you? That will be kind!

颁谤颈诲诲濒别听appears at door.

Criddle.听I've put the spirits in the hall, sir.

Harry.听You can take them away, Criddle. In the[65]听future we shall not require spirits at night, only soda water and tea.

Criddle.听Yes, sir. [Exit.

Dolly.听摆Who has been sitting wearily on sofa, rises.] Well, I'm going to bed.

Harry.听You forget, dear.

Dolly.听奥丑补迟? 摆贬补谤谤测听taps the writing-desk.] Oh, my dear Harry, we won't go into them to-night.

Harry.听Yes, my dear, if you please. [Very firmly.听顿辞濒濒测听makes an impatient gesture and pouts.] Please don't look like that. If I'm to help you in paying off these bills, it must be to-night, or not at all.

Dolly.听Oh, very well, but------ [Sits down wearily.

Prof.听摆Taking out watch.] Five minutes past my usual hour.

Dolly.听Renie has one of her bad headaches, so I've put her in the spare room.

Prof.听Thank you. I'm afraid she's a little wilful. I can never get her to see that life can yield us no real satisfaction unless we regulate all our actions to the most minute point. Good-night.

Dolly.听骋辞辞诲-苍颈驳丑迟. [Shaking hands.

Prof.听Good-night, Telfer.

Harry.听骋辞辞诲-苍颈驳丑迟. [Shaking hands.

Matt.听Good-night, Harry.

Harry.听Good-night, Dad. [Shaking hands.

Matt.听摆To听顿辞濒濒测.] Night-night, dear.

Dolly.听Night-night, Dad. [Kissing him.

Prof.听摆Has been waiting at door.] I might perhaps show you the precise way of mixing the Pableine.

Matt.听That would be kind! What's the dose?

Prof.听Two teaspoonfuls. On certain occasions I have taken as much as four tablespoonfuls.

Matt.听Wasn't that rather---going it?

Prof.听狈辞. It's quite tasteless, except for a very slight beany flavor.[66]

Matt.听Sounds just the thing for a New Year's drink, to brace up good resolutions. Come along! I'll have a regular night-cap of it.

[Exeunt听惭补迟迟听and听Professor.

Harry.听Now we can have our cosy half hour.

Dolly.听Ye-es. I've had an awful evening with Lucas. Don't you think------?

Harry.听No, my darling. You put it off after tea------

Dolly.听But our heads will be so much clearer in the morning------

Harry.听摆Very solemnly and severely.] My darling, remember what Pilcher said about procrastination. And remember our resolutions last night. If we break them on the first night of the year, where shall we be on the thirty-first of December?

Dolly.听I'm horribly fagged.

Harry.听Conquer it! Think how delightful it will be to put your head on the pillow to-night, without a single anxiety, without a single thought------

Dolly.听Except my gratitude to you!

Harry.听Come, dear, no time like the present!

Dolly.听摆Jumps up very briskly.] No time like the present! [Looking at him with great admiration.] Oh, Harry, what a dear, kind, good husband you've always been to me!

Harry.听Have I, my darling? [Modestly.] I've done my best------

Dolly.听How I must have tried you!

Harry.听No, dear---at least a little sometimes.

Dolly.听When I think what patience you've had with me, and never reproached me------

Harry.听Well, not often. We've had our little tiffs---That day at Goodwood---eh?

Dolly.听Don't speak of it! I was to blame------

Harry.听No, dear, I can't let you accuse yourself. I was quite in the wrong.

Dolly.听No, dear, it was my fault entirely![67]

Harry.听Well, we won't quarrel about that. Now these bills------

Dolly.听And what good pals we've been!

Harry.听And always shall be. [Kissing her.

Dolly.听摆Hugging him.] Oh, you dear!

Harry.听Now, business, business!

Dolly.听摆Going up to writing-desk.] What a lucky woman I am!

Harry.听摆Seated at table.] Bring them all.

Dolly.听摆Has opened desk and taken up some bills---she looks round dubiously at听贬补谤谤测.] What a splendid thing it must be to be a husband and have it in your power to make your wife听adore听you, by simply paying a few bills.

Harry.听Yes---bring them all. [She comes down with a bundle of about fifteen, hands them to him.] Is this all?

Dolly.听All, of any importance.

Harry.听I want to see them all.

Dolly.听So you shall, but we'll go through these first, because [lamely] if you want to ask any questions we can settle them on the spot, can't we?

Harry.听摆Reading from the bill.] Maison R茅camier, Court and artistic millinery. By Jove! [Looks up.

Dolly.听What!

Harry.听One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine---nine hats!

Dolly.听Different kinds of hats.

Harry.听Yedda straw hat, four guineas, ostrich feather ruffle, twelve pounds ten------

Dolly.听That was the one---you remember---when I came into the room you said, "Stay there! Just as you are! I must kiss you!"

Harry.听Yes, but twelve pounds ten---Moss green chip hat, four, fourteen, six. Heliotrope velvet toque---[68]---

Dolly.听That's the dear little toque you admire so much!

Harry.听Do I? Six guineas! Dear little toque! Hat in white Tegal with plumes of Nattier Bleu---fifteen guineas---Fifteen guineas?!

Dolly.听With plumes! Of Nattier Bleu!

Harry.听But fifteen guineas!

Dolly.听Oh, the woman's a fearful swindler! But what are you to do with such people?

Harry.听摆With bill.] Total, sixty-four, seven, six. And I get my one silk topper a year, at a guinea, and three and six for doing it up. Total for me, one, four, six. Total for you------

Dolly.听My dear Harry, don't make absurd comparisons!

Harry.听摆Takes another bill.] John Spearman, artistic gown maker, ball gowns, reception gowns, race gowns---Good heavens!

Dolly.听What's the matter?

Harry.听Total, five hundred and fifty-six pounds---that can't be right!

Dolly.听摆Frightened.] No, it can't be! Add it up!

Harry.听摆Reading.] Tea gown of chiffon taffeta---

Dolly.听The one I took to Folkestone, you remember?

[With a little attempt at a kiss.

Harry.听摆Gently repulsing her.] No, I don't. [She puts her arms round his neck; he gently pushes her aside.] Business first, please. [Reads.] Gown of white cloth with Postillion coat of Rose du Barri silk, motifs of silver, forty-five guineas------

Dolly.听You won't grumble at that, for when I first put it on, you stood and looked at me and said, "I want to know how it is, Doll, that the moment a dress gets on to your shoulders, it seems to brisk up, and be as cocky and proud of itself------"

[Again attempting to embrace him.

[69]

Harry.听摆Again repulsing her.] Yes, well now I do know! Jolly proud and cocky your dresses ought to feel at this price! [Reads.] "Evening cloak of strawberry satin charmeuse, trimmed silk passementerie, motifs and fringed stoles of dull gold embroidery, thirty-five guineas." What's a motif?

Dolly.听It's a trimming---a lot of little touches---a sort of---a---a---a---[making a little descriptive gesture] a suggestion---a motif------

Harry.听And Mr. John Spearman's motif is that I should pay him five hundred and fifty-six pounds. Well, I don't like Mr. John Spearman's motifs, and I'm not going to fall in with them. [Puts the bill on the table rather angrily, takes up another, reads.] "Artistic lingerie!" I wonder why all these people call themselves artists! "Underwear of daintiness and distinction."

Dolly.听Well, you've always praised------

Harry.听驰别蝉. In future, I'm going to be very careful what articles of your dress I praise. "Three pairs of blue silk garters, forty-five shillings." [She has settled herself in the armchair, looking a little sulky and obstinate, leaning back and pettishly swinging one leg over the other.] What have you got to say to that?

Dolly.听Garters are necessary.

Harry.听Yes, but why three? And why blue silk? Why don't you speak?

Dolly.听The garters can speak for听!

Harry.听Very well. Garters that can speak for themselves can pay for themselves! [Dashes the bill on the table, takes up another. Reading.] Three bottles c艙ur de Janette---three bottles Souffle de Marguerite---fifteen pounds for scent---and I have to smoke sixpenny cigars! And sometimes only fourpenny!

Dolly.听Well, if you will smoke those horrid strong[70]听things you can't wonder I have to disinfect the house for you.

Harry.听Disinfect the house听for听me! You'll very soon disinfect the house听of听me! [Glances through the remaining bills, groans, puts them on the table, and walks about in despair.听顿辞濒濒测听rises and is going off.] Where are you going?

Dolly.听To bed.

Harry.听摆Stopping her.] No! Now we've begun, we'll go through to the bitter end, if you please. I want you to explain------

Dolly.听My dear Harry, it will be quite useless for me to try to explain in your present state------

Harry.听摆Getting furious.] In my present state------

Dolly.听Dancing about the room and shouting!------

Harry.听I'm not shouting!

Dolly.听You're not shouting?!

Harry.听No, and if I am, isn't it enough to make a man shout when his wife------

惭补迟迟听appears at the door in his dressing-gown and slippers.

Matt.听Excuse my interrupting. But you know my room is just above this, and if you could manage to pitch your voices in rather a softer key------

Harry.听By Jove, I'd forgotten! We were getting a little noisy. I'm awfully sorry.

Matt.听Don't mention it! The Professor gave me rather a stiff go of his Pableine, and I fancy it hasn't agreed with me [tapping his chest] for I can't get a wink of sleep. Is there a spoonful of whiskey about?

Harry.听On the sideboard in the dining-room.

Matt.听Thankee. [Tapping his chest.] Harry, when you get over fifty, don't change your nightcap, or any of your other bad habits.

[71]

Harry.听I won't. Now, Dolly------

Matt.听摆Anxiously.] You won't perhaps be very long now?

Dolly.听No, we'd nearly finished------

Matt.听Nothing serious, I hope?

Dolly.听Harry doesn't approve of my using scent.

Harry.听Not in pailfuls. Certainly not.

Dolly.听I had three small bottles------

Matt.听Montaigne says that the sweetest perfume a woman can have, is to have none at all. [Exit.

Harry.听Now, my darling, we shall best arrive at an understanding if we avoid all temper, and discuss it in a calm, business-like way.

Dolly.听摆A little frightened.] Ye-es------

Harry.听Very well then, bring up your chair, and let us go into it, figure by figure, item by item, and see how we stand.

Dolly.听Ye-es. [Bringing a chair a little way.] Harry, you aren't going to be as business-like as all that?

Harry.听As all what?

Dolly.听I can't discuss it while you keep me at a distance! [Suddenly rushes at him, seats herself on his knee, puts his arm round her waist, kisses him.] There! now I feel I can discuss it thoroughly.

Harry.听Very well [kisses her], so long as we do discuss it thoroughly.

Dolly.听I began to get quite frightened of you, Mr. Jobling.

Harry.听Jobling?

Dolly.听The man Mr. Pilcher had to get a money-box for, because he swore at his wife!

Harry.听Oh, yes.

Dolly.听You got so angry---and shouted------

Harry.听Well, there was no reason for that, especially as getting out of temper is听the听one thing I'm quite resolved to conquer this New Year---[72]---

Dolly.听摆Kissing him.] Don't forget that!

Harry.听摆Kisses her.] Now, business, business! [Takes up a bill.] What have we here? Carchet, gantier et bonnetier, artiste---Hillo, here's another artist! In stockings this time. [Suddenly.] I say!

Dolly.听摆Frightened.] Eh?

Harry.听摆Points to an item in bill.] Come now, Dolly---this is really too bad---this really is too bad!

Dolly.听摆Frightened.] What?!

[Getting off his knee.

Harry.听One dozen pairs best silk hose, with clocks------

Dolly.听Yes---how much does that come to?

Harry.听Eleven pounds two------

Dolly.听It does seem rather a high price, but------

[Drawing up her dress and showing an inch or two of silk stocking.

Harry.听You're wearing them about the house?

Dolly.听I can't go about the house without stockings. And I put them on for your especial benefit. [He utters a contemptuous exclamation.] They're a lovely quality------

[Drawing up her dress an inch or two higher.

Harry.听I daresay. [Turning away.] I'm not going to admire your stockings, or your ostrich ruffles, or your blue silk garters, or your motifs, or anything that is yours! It's too expensive!

Dolly.听摆Dress an inch higher, looking down at her stockings.] It's the clocks you have to pay for------

Harry.听I beg your pardon, it's the clocks I haven't got to pay for! And don't mean to---if I can help it. Idiotic thing to go and put clocks on stockings---[muttering] damned silly idiotic------

Dolly.听Ah! [Goes to table, brings the hospital box and puts it in front of him.] Double fine this time.[73]

Harry.听What for?

Dolly.听Naughty swear word, and getting out of temper.

Harry.听Oh well---[fumbling in his pocket] I did say d------, but I didn't get out of temper!

Dolly.听You didn't get out of temper?!?

Harry.听Not at all. I'm quite calm. [Sulkily puts a shilling in the box.] There! [Seats himself at table.] Now we'll go quietly and methodically through the remainder------ [Taking up a bill, looks at it, exclaims.] Good heavens!

Dolly.听Good heavens what?

Harry.听摆In a low exhausted tone with groans.] Good heavens! Good heavens! It's absolutely useless---Good heavens!

Dolly.听But what is it? [Coming up, looking over.

Harry.听摆Points to bill.] Four more hats! Nine on the other bill---four more here. Thirteen hats.

Dolly.听No, one was a toque.

Harry.听But can you explain?

Dolly.听驰别蝉. You said yourself that Madame R茅camier was horribly expensive, so I left her and went to Jacquelin's---just to save your pocket------

Harry.听Never save my pocket again, please.

Dolly.听Very well, I won't.

Harry.听No, I daresay you won't, but I shall! I shall draw the strings very tightly in future. Save my pocket! [He is walking about distractedly.] Save my pocket. [Groans.

Dolly.听Now, Harry, it's useless to take it in this way---you knew when you married me I hadn't got the money sense------

Harry.听摆Groans.] I hadn't got any sense at all!

Dolly.听Very likely not. But try and have a little now. What have I done? Run a little into debt, solely to please you.[74]

Harry.听Yes; well, now run out of it, and I shall be better pleased still.

Dolly.听After all, running into debt is a positive virtue beside the things that some wives do!

Harry.听Oh, it's a positive virtue, is it?

Dolly.听A husband is very lucky when his wife spends most of her time running up a few bills. It keeps her out of mischief. I'm sure you ought to feel very glad that I'm a little extravagant!

Harry.听Oh, I am! I am! I'm delighted!

[He sits at table, takes out a pencil, hurriedly puts down the amounts of the various bills---she creeps up behind him.

Dolly.听What are you doing?

Harry.听I'm totting up to see how lucky I am! Forty-one, one, six------ [Groans.] Ninety-four------ [Groans.

Dolly.听摆Has crept up behind him, puts her arms round his neck.] Now, Harry, will you take my advice------?

Harry.听狈辞.

Dolly.听It's past eleven.

[Trying to take the pencil out of his hand.

Harry.听摆Disengaging her arms, speaking very sternly.] Will you have the goodness to let me have all your bills, so that I may know what help I shall need from my banker?

Dolly.听Harry, you don't mean that? Oh, that's absurd with our income!

Harry.听Will you have the goodness to do as I say, and at once, please? [He is dotting down figures. She stands still in the middle of the room.] Did you hear me?

[75]

[She bursts into tears. He turns round and shows symptoms of relenting towards her, but steels himself and turns to the bills. She bursts into renewed tears. He goes on figuring.

Dolly.听摆Piteously.] Harry! Harry! [Goes up to him and plucks his sleeve.] Harry!

Harry.听奥别濒濒?

[He turns and looks at her, is about to yield, but resists, turns away from her, settles resolutely to his figures.

Dolly.听And on the first night of the New Year, too! Just as we were going to be so happy! Harry! [Holds out her arms appealingly.] Harry! 摆贬补谤谤测听suddenly turns round and clasps her.] How could you be so unkind to me?

Harry.听Was I? I didn't mean to be. Now! Dry your tears, and help me reckon this up------

Dolly.听Ye-es.

Harry.听But first of all let me have the remainder of the bills------

Dolly.听驰别蝉.

Harry.听At once, my darling---it's getting late.

Dolly.听驰别蝉. [Goes up to desk.] You won't reproach me?

Harry.听Of course I won't.

Dolly.听I can bear anything except your reproaches. Promise you won't reproach me.

Harry.听I won't, unless------

Dolly.听Unless what?

Harry.听It's something too awful.

Dolly.听Oh, it isn't. Not at all. Not at all. [Goes up to the desk, brings down about ten more bills with great affected cheerfulness.] There! You see, it's nothing.

Harry.听摆Hastily looking at the totals.] Nothing? You call these nothing!!?[76]

Dolly.听Nothing to speak about---nothing awful!

Harry.听Good heavens! How any woman with the least care for her husband, or her home------ [looking at one total after another] how any woman with the least听------ 摆顿辞濒濒测听goes to him, puts her arms round him, tries to embrace---he repulses her.] No, please. I've had enough of that old dodge.

Dolly.听Dodge!

Harry.听I remember that last two hundred pounds and how you sweedled me out of it!

Dolly.听Sweedled?

Harry.听驰别蝉! Sweedled!

Dolly.听There's no such word!

Harry.听No, but there's the thing! As most husbands know. [Referring to one bill after another, picking out items.] Lace coat, hand-made! En-tout-cas, studded cabochons of lapis lazuli---studded cabochons---studded cabochons!

Dolly.听摆Has quietly seated herself, and is looking at the ceiling.] Couldn't you manage to pitch your voice in rather a softer key?

Harry.听摆Comes angrily down to her, bills in hand, speaks in a whisper, very rapidly and fiercely.] Yes! And I say that a woman who goes and runs up bills like these, [dashing the back of one hand against the bills in the other] while her husband is smoking threepenny cigars, will very soon bring herself and him to one of those new palatial workhouses where, thank heaven, the cuisine and appointments are now听听with a view of providing persons of your tastes with every luxury at the ratepayers' expense. [Returns angrily to the bills, turns them over.] Irish lace bolero! [Turns to another.] Fur motor coat, fifty-five guineas------

Dolly.听摆Calmly gazing at the ceiling.] You told me to look as smart as Mrs. Colefield.[77]

Harry.听Not at that price! If I'd known what that motor tour would cost by Jove! I'd------

Dolly.听You're getting noisy again. You'll wake my father.

Harry.听He ought to be waked! He ought to know what his daughter is saddling me with.

Dolly.听Very well, if you don't care how shabby I look------

Harry.听Shabby! [Referring to bills.] Lace demi-toilette! Point de Venise lace Directoire coat! Shabby?

Dolly.听My dear Harry, do you suppose we shall ever agree as to what constitutes shabbiness?

Harry.听No, I'm hanged if we ever shall!

Dolly.听Then suppose we drop the subject. For the future I shall endeavor to please you entirely.

Harry.听Oh, you will?

Dolly.听By dressing so that you'll be ashamed to be seen in the same street with me. I shall make myself a perfect fright---a perfect dowdy---a perfect draggletail!

Harry.听Then I shall not be seen in the same street with you.

Dolly.听You won't?

Harry.听No, my dear. Make no mistake about that!

Dolly.听You'll be seen with somebody else, perhaps?

Harry.听Very likely.

Dolly.听Have you met Miss Smithson again?

Harry.听Not since the last time.

Dolly.听Have you seen her since we were at Folkestone?

Harry.听What's that to do with your bills?

Dolly.听A great deal. That night at dinner she told you her dress allowance was a hundred and twenty a year, and you said you wished she'd give me a few lessons in economy.[78]

Harry.听I did not.

Dolly.听Pardon me, you did!

Harry.听Pardon me, I did not. I said she might give听some听women a lesson in economy.

Dolly.听You did not! I heard every word of your conversation, and you distinctly asked her to give me, your wife, a few lessons in economy.

Harry.听I'll swear I didn't!

Dolly.听Ask my father! He was there.

Harry.听Very well! I'll ask him the first thing in the morning.

Dolly.听No, to-night! You've accused me of deliberately saying what isn't true, and I------

Harry.听I have not!

Dolly.听Yes, you have. And I insist on having it cleared up to-night! I don't suppose he's asleep! Fetch him down!

Harry.听Very well! I will fetch him down! [Exit.

Dolly.听摆Paces furiously up and down.] Me! Lessons in economy! Lessons in economy! Me! Lessons in economy!

Re-enter听贬补谤谤测.

Harry.听He'll be down in a听! Meantime, [very angry] I want to know what any woman in this world wants with two dozen cache corsets?

[Banging his free hand on the bills.

Dolly.听We'll clear up Miss Smithson first------

Harry.听No, we will not clear up Miss Smithson------

Dolly.听Because you can't clear up Miss Smithson------

Harry.听I can clear up Miss Smithson------

Dolly.听You cannot clear up Miss Smithson------

惭补迟迟听appears at door in dressing-gown, rubbing his eyes and looking very sleepy.

Dad, you remember Miss Smithson---[79]---

Matt.听摆Coming in, very sleepy.] Smithson?

Dolly.听The girl at the hotel at Folkestone, that Harry paid so much attention to.

Harry.听I paid no more attention to Miss Smithson than was absolutely necessary. Did I, Mr. Barron?

Dolly.听Oh! Oh! Dad, you remember------

Matt.听Not for the moment------

Dolly.听Not the disgraceful way Harry---there's no other word---carried on!

Harry.听I did not carry on---Mr. Barron, I appeal to you.

Dolly.听顿补诲!

Matt.听My dear, I certainly did not notice------

Dolly.听No, he was far too careful to let anyone notice it, except his own wife!

Harry.听You lay your life when I do carry on my wife will be the last person I shall allow to notice it!

Dolly.听I daresay! Dad, did you hear that?

Matt.听驰别蝉. [Rousing himself a little.] Now, Harry, what about this Miss Smithson?

Harry.听That's what I want to know!

Matt.听Who is Miss Smithson?

Dolly.听Surely you remember that lanky girl------

Harry.听Miss Smithson is not lanky------

Dolly.听Not lanky? Not lanky?! You can't have any eyes------!

Harry.听That's what I've often thought------

Dolly.听摆Explodes.] Oh! Oh! Dad!

Matt.听Come, Harry, let's clear this up. [Suddenly.] Smithson? Oh yes! The girl who sat on your left at your dinner party------

Dolly.听That's the one!

Matt.听I should call her a trifle lanky, Harry.

Dolly.听A trifle? Well, never mind! You remember that dinner party------

Matt.听摆Cautiously.] Ye-es.[80]

Dolly.听You remember how she waited for a lull in the talk, and then she said with that silly, simpering, appealing look------

Harry.听Miss Smithson's look is not silly or simpering.

Dolly.听Well, it's appealing, isn't it?

Harry.听摆With a little chuckle.] Oh, yes, it's appealing.

Dolly.听摆Enraged.] Oh! Dad!

Matt.听摆Quiets her.] Shush!---What did she say?

Dolly.听She said with a very marked glance at me, "My dress allowance is a hundred and twenty a year, and I don't understand how any reasonable woman can wish for more!" What do you think of that?

Matt.听Well, if she did say that, and if she glanced at you, it------

Dolly.听驰别蝉?

Matt.听It wasn't very nice of her.

Dolly.听Nice? It was an insult! A direct, intentional, abominable insult, wasn't it?

Matt.听Yes, yes, decidedly, under the circumstances------

Dolly.听And Harry ought to have resented it?

Matt.听At his own dinner table he couldn't, could he?

Dolly.听驰别蝉! At least, if he couldn't resent it, he ought to have听shown听that he resented it. Instead of that, he actually asked her to give me a few lessons in economy!

Harry.听I did not!

Dolly.听Pardon me, you did! Me! his wife! Lessons in economy!

Harry.听And a thundering good thing if she had given you a few before you ran up these bills!

[Dashes his hand on to the bills.

Dolly.听There! You hear?![81]

Matt.听Come, Harry, you oughtn't to have asked another woman to give your wife lessons in economy.

Harry.听I didn't!

Dolly.听顿补诲! You were there------

Matt.听Yes, but I don't quite remember------

Dolly.听You don't remember?! Surely you can remember a simple thing like that when your own daughter tells you it was so!

Matt.听Now, Harry, what did you really say to Miss Smithson?

Harry.听I said she might give听some听women a lesson in economy.

Matt.听Not meaning Dolly?

[Giving him a wink to say "No."

Harry.听No-o.

Dolly.听Then whom did he mean? Lessons in economy? Whom听could听he mean if he didn't mean me?

Harry.听Just so!

Dolly.听Ah! There! You see, he owns it!

Matt.听No, no, I'm sure he doesn't mean it! Did you, Harry?

[Winking at听贬补谤谤测.

Dolly.听Then will he please say what he really does mean?

Matt.听Now, Harry, what do you really mean?

Harry.听Well, you remember that night of the dinner party at Folkestone.

Matt.听摆Cautiously.] Ye-es.

Harry.听After they'd all gone you and I went into the smoking-room, didn't we?

Matt.听摆Cautiously.] Ye-es.

Harry.听And you said, "Doll's in one of her high gales again!"

Dolly.听High gales?! [Indignant.] Father! You didn't say that?

Matt.听No, no, my dear---[82]---

Harry.听Excuse me, those were your exact words. High gales!

Matt.听I don't remember.

Dolly.听No, you don't remember anything.

Harry.听You said, "What on earth was up between her and Miss Smithson at dinner?"

Dolly.听You see! That proves exactly what I said!

Harry.听No, by Jove, it proves that your father noticed what a confounded, cussed------

Dolly.听Go on! Go on! Say it!

Matt.听Shush! Shush! Well, Harry, what did you say?

Harry.听Well, not wishing to give Dolly away------

Dolly.听Ha! ha! Not wishing to give me away!

Harry.听Not then! But, by Jove, if any decent chap were to come along now------

Dolly.听摆Exploding.] There! There! [To听惭补迟迟.] And you sit there and hear my own husband insult me in my own house!

Matt.听狈辞! No!

Dolly.听But there you sit! There you sit!

Matt.听摆Jumps up fiercely.] Now, Harry!

Harry.听摆Fiercely.] Well, now, Mr. Barron------

Dolly.听Why don't you defend me? Why don't you demand an apology?

Matt.听What for?

Dolly.听For everything! For to-night! For that night at Folkestone!

Harry.听That night at Folkestone! Why, your father was quite on my side------

Matt.听奥丑补迟?

Dolly.听He wasn't; were you, Dad?

Matt.听No---no.

Harry.听奥丑补迟? [Fiercely.] Do you remember exactly what passed between us in the smoking-room, Mr. Barron?[83]

Matt.听狈辞.

Harry.听Then I'll tell you------

Matt.听摆Retreating towards door.] No---no---I don't want to know------

Harry.听摆Following him up, shouting a little.] You said, "I know what she's like in her high gales! I remember what the little devil was like at home."

Dolly.听摆Pursuing him up to door.] Father! You didn't say that!

Matt.听No---no, my darling---quite a mistake---quite a mistake---altogether a mistake.

[Gets thankfully off at back.

Dolly.听摆Calls after him.] Then why don't you stay and tell him so!

Harry.听摆Shouts after听惭补迟迟.] It's not a mistake!

Dolly.听摆Calls after听惭补迟迟.] It's cowardly of you to leave me here to be insulted.

Harry.听摆Goes up to door, shouts.] It's not a mistake! You patted me on the back and said, "Poor chap! Poor chap!" You know you did! [Closes the door, comes fiercely down to听顿辞濒濒测.] It's not a mistake! He could see you had insulted Miss Smithson.

Dolly.听I had not insulted her! I was far too civil to her, considering that the next evening you took her out on the Leas, when you ought to have been at billiards------

Harry.听I took her out on the Leas!

Dolly.听驰别蝉! You weren't in the billiard-room! So where were you? Where were you?

Harry.听I jolly well don't know, and I---I------

Dolly.听Say it! Say it!

Harry.听I damned well don't care!

Dolly.听Ah!

[84]

[She seizes the box, brings it up to him, puts it irritatingly in front of him; he seizes it, they struggle for it, trying to take it out of each other's hands; she screams, he tries to get it; there is a scuffle round the room; he tries to rub her knuckles; she makes a little feint to bite him; in the struggle the box drops on the floor a little below the table, right.

Dolly.听Jobling! Jobling! Jobling!

Harry.听Now, madam, for the last time, have I all your bills?

Dolly.听Jobling! Jobling! Jobling!

Harry.听Have I all your bills?

Dolly.听Jobling! Jobling! Jobling!

Harry.听Once more, madam, have I all your bills?

Dolly.听No, you haven't!

Harry.听Then please hand them over to me this instant, so that I may take proceedings.

Dolly.听摆Laughing.] Proceedings! Ha! Take your proceedings!

Harry.听By Jove! I will take proceedings.

Dolly.听Take them! Take them!

Harry.听摆Walking about furiously with the bills.] So this is the way the money goes! [Banging the bills.] While I have to smoke twopenny cigars! And can't get a decent dinner!

Dolly.听You can't get a decent dinner?

Harry.听狈辞! Look at those messes last night. They weren't fit for a cook-shop.

Dolly.听Oh! Oh! Oh! Get a housekeeper! Get a housekeeper!

Harry.听By Jove! that's what I mean to do!

Dolly.听Have Miss Smithson! Send for her to-morrow morning! I'll hand her over the keys!

Harry.听摆Shouting.] And please hand me over the rest of your bills! The rest of your bills, madam!

摆顿辞濒濒测听marches up to the desk.

[85]

惭补迟迟听appears at door in dressing-gown.

Matt.听I can't get a wink of sleep------

摆顿辞濒濒测听takes out about twenty more bills.

Harry.听I insist on seeing the whole lot! So there!

Dolly.听摆Flourishing the bills, strewing them on the floor.] Well there! And there! And there! And there! Now you've got the whole lot! And I hope you're satisfied. I'm going into Renie's room! [Exit.

Harry.听I insist on your going through these bills------

[Following her off. Their voices are heard retreating upstairs,听顿辞濒濒测听saying, "go through the bills! Send for Miss Smithson! Have her here to-morrow morning! Take your proceedings,"听贬补谤谤测听saying, "I insist on going through the bills to-night! Do you hear, madam, I insist! Will you come down and go through these bills," etc.

Matt.听摆Listens, as their voices die away. When the voices have ceased, he surveys the scene.] We're making a splendid start for the New Year!

[Sees the box on the floor, picks it up, carefully places it on table and goes off.

CURTAIN.

[86]

(A year passes between Acts III and IV.)

ACT FOUR

厂肠别苍别:听The same.

罢颈尘别:听Afternoon of January 1st, 1908.

Enter听尝耻肠补蝉,听followed by听颁谤颈诲诲濒别.听尝耻肠补蝉听has his left collar-bone broken, and his arm is strapped across his breast; his coat is buttoned loosely over the arm, the left sleeve hanging down.

Lucas.听They've gone to meet me?

Criddle.听Yes, sir.

Lucas.听By the road?

Criddle.听Yes, sir.

Lucas.听That's how I've missed them. My car broke down the other side of the clump, and so I walked over the fields.

Criddle.听Yes, sir. I beg pardon, I hope the arm isn't serious.

Lucas.听No, Criddle. Just serious enough to get me a couple of months' leave, so that I could spend the New Year in England.

Criddle.听You had it very hot in India, I suppose, sir?

Lucas.听Blazing!

Criddle.听We've got the same old weather here, you see, sir.

Lucas.听Same old weather! Had any visitors for Christmas, Criddle?

Criddle.听Mr. Barron, of course, and Professor and Mrs. Sturgess.

Lucas.听Same old visitors---same visitors, I should say. Mr. Pilcher still Vicar here, I suppose?

Criddle.听Yes, sir. He gave us a wonderful sermon at the old year's service last night.[87]

Lucas.听Same old sermon!

Criddle.听No, sir. Not exactly the same sermon, though it had similar points to last year. Ah! You came over for the old year's service last year?

Lucas.听Yes, and a rattling good sermon it was!

Criddle.听Very powerful and persuading, wasn't it, sir? It even touched me up a bit.

Lucas.听In what way, Criddle?

Criddle.听I used to have my ten bob on any horse as I fancied, but I never put a farthing on anything---not even on Sulky Susan for the Oaks.

Lucas.听You didn't?

Criddle.听No, and thank God, in a manner of speaking, that I didn't, for she never pulled it off. I owe that to Mr. Pilcher. No, I never touched a thing till the Leger. That reminds me------

Lucas.听What, Criddle?

Criddle.听Why, last year, after Mr. Pilcher's sermon, the master had a collecting box, and when he found himself going a bit off the straight he used to put in a shilling or half-a-crown for Mr. Pilcher's blanket fund------

Lucas.听Yes, of course! And Uncle Matt promised him a sovereign for each of us if we had carried out our good resolutions. Is that coming off, Criddle?

Criddle.听I expect it is, sir. Mr. Pilcher is coming here this afternoon, and the master told me to be sure and find the box before he gets here.

Lucas.听Find the box?

Criddle.听Nobody has seen anything of it for some months. Excuse me, sir, I must look for it.

[88]

[Exit听颁谤颈诲诲濒别.

尝耻肠补蝉听takes out letter from an unsealed envelope, glances through it, sits at table, takes out pencil, adds a short note, puts letter in envelope, seals it up, puts it in his tail pocket, goes to conservatory, looks in.听搁别苍颈别听enters at door behind him. She starts, as he turns round.

Renie.听摆In a whisper.] You're here already?

Lucas.听Yes------

Renie.听Your wound?

Lucas.听Much better. Nearly well.

Renie.听I'm so glad------

Lucas.听I'm not. I shall have to cut it back to India directly. Why didn't you answer my last letter?

Renie.听I did---and tore it up.

Lucas.听Tore it up?

Renie.听What's the use? I told you last year we could never be anything to each other!

Lucas.听But you didn't mean it?

[He seizes her hand and kisses it several times.

Renie.听摆Feebly attempting to withdraw it.] Yes---yes, I did. Hush!

Lucas.听I want you to read this. [Shows her the letter.

Matt.听摆Heard through the door which is open a few inches.] Have you found the box, Criddle?

Criddle.听No, sir. I've hunted everywhere.

Matt.听Have another look. We must have it ready for Mr. Pilcher.

惭补迟迟听enters. Meantime听搁别苍颈别听has crept to upper conservatory door and gone off signing to听尝耻肠补蝉听to keep silence. He has taken the letter out of his pocket and held it up for her to see, putting it back before听惭补迟迟听enters.

Matt.听Ah, Lucas. So you've got here. Happy New Year!

Lucas.听Happy New Year, Uncle Matt. [Cordially shaking hands.

Matt.听Glad to see you back in England.

Lucas.听Glad to be back!

Matt.听How's the arm?[89]

Lucas.听Splendid---nearly well. Dolly and Harry all right?

Matt.听First rate. They'll be here directly.

Lucas.听The Sturgesses are here again, Criddle tells me.

Matt.听Ye-es.

Lucas.听Gray matter still going strong?

Matt.听Booming.

Lucas.听How's Mrs. Sturgess?

Matt.听As usual, a little inclined to flop about and play act------

Lucas.听驰别蝉. Jolly good-looking woman though, eh?

Matt.听Very. Lucas------

Lucas.听奥别濒濒?

Matt.听You're quite cured, eh?

Lucas.听Cured?

Matt.听Of your infatuation for her.

Lucas.听Infatuation? Well, I admired her, and perhaps it was lucky I was ordered out to India------

Matt.听I managed that for you, my boy.

Lucas.听You did!?

Matt.听Sir John wanted a smart A.D.C., so I drove over to Aldershot, urged your claims, and got you the appointment.

Lucas.听So that was why I was packed off. It was you who------

Matt.听Aren't you thankful I did?

Lucas.听Yes, much obliged to you, much obliged!

Matt.听So you ought to be. And so's the lady.

Lucas.听Is she?

Matt.听驰别蝉. When we got your wire yesterday saying you'd motor down to-day, Dolly had a long talk with her, and the result was she thanked Dolly and me for getting you out of the way and saving her from you.[90]

Lucas.听Did she?

Matt.听Yes, for twenty minutes. She kissed Dolly, and I think she would have kissed me, only I didn't feel myself quite worthy.

Lucas.听Oh, so that's all settled!

Matt.听That's all settled. At least, let's hope so.

Lucas.听What do you mean?

Matt.听Well, you won't come------

Lucas.听奥丑补迟?

Matt.听The same old game.

Lucas.听What same old game?

Matt.听Why,听the听same old game!

Lucas.听You must be judging me by yourself, when you were young.

Matt.听My dear boy, that's just what I am doing. Lucas, there's not going to be any repetition------

Lucas.听No---no.

Matt.听Because it isn't the right thing to do, is it?

Lucas.听狈辞.

Matt.听Very well then, don't do it!

Lucas.听I won't! [Listening.] Ah! 摆顿辞濒濒测听and听Harry's听voices heard in hall] Dolly and Harry!

顿辞濒濒测听and听贬补谤谤测听enter very lovingly.

Lucas.听Hillo, Doll, old girl! Happy New Year!

Dolly.听Happy New Year, Lu!

Lucas.听Harry, old brick, how goes it?

Harry.听Splendid!

Lucas.听Happy New Year!

Harry.听Happy New Year! [Looking lovingly at听顿辞濒濒测.] By Jove, Doll, you can foot it. [To听Lucas.] Doll and I have just raced up from the farm. She licked me! bless her!

Dolly.听Yes, because you encouraged me!

Harry.听摆Looking at her lovingly and admiringly, kisses her heartily.] There aren't many things this little woman can't do.[91]

Dolly.听When you encourage me!

Harry.听Oh, I'll encourage you!

[He again kisses her heartily.

Harry.听Well, Lu, old boy, glad to see you home again. Arm pretty bad?

Lucas.听No, nearly well, unfortunately.

Dolly.听Down for the day?

Lucas.听Well, now my car has broken down, I was wondering if you'd put me up------

Dolly.听摆Firmly.] No. We shall be pleased for you to stay to dinner.

Harry.听There's the spare room, Doll.

Dolly.听摆Firmly.] No. That may be wanted for Renie or myself.

Harry.听摆Half aside to her.] I say, not for you, old girl!

Lucas.听Oh, well, I shall have to get a shake-down at the Red Lion.

Enter听搁别苍颈别听at back, still in outdoor clothes.

Renie.听摆Feigning a little surprise.] Captain Wentworth! A happy New Year!

Lucas.听Happy New Year, Mrs. Sturgess.

[Shaking hands.

Renie.听So sorry to hear of your wound!

Lucas.听Oh, it's healed, thank you.

Renie.听I'm so glad. Shall you be making a long stay in England?

Lucas.听I fear only a few days longer.

Renie.听I'm sorry your visit will be so short.

颁谤颈诲诲濒别听enters triumphantly with the hospital box which is very mouldy and dusty---he has also duster in his hand.

Criddle.听I've found him, sir---

Matt.听Rather mouldy, eh?[92]

Criddle.听Oh, we'll soon put that to rights, sir.

[Begins to dust the box carefully.

Matt.听Looks well for your household discipline here, Harry.

Harry.听贬辞飞?

Matt.听You've had no occasion to use him lately.

Criddle.听摆Displaying the box, having carefully dusted it.] There he is, sir, Hospital for Incurables! Nearly as good as new.

Matt.听Where did you find him?

Criddle.听In the wine-cellar, of all places! I was getting out a bottle of the sixty-eight port for New Year's night, and happening to put my hand behind, there he was!

Harry.听摆Has a sudden gesture of remembrance.] Yes, I remember!

Matt.听What should incurables be doing in the wine-cellar? [Holds out his hand to听颁谤颈诲诲濒别听for the box.听Criddle,听who has been holding it carefully, gives it to听惭补迟迟.听Exit听颁谤颈诲诲濒别.听惭补迟迟听gives the box a shake. It rattles as if half full of coins. He shakes it again, more violently; it rattles again.] Internal organs sound healthy. How did he get into the wine-cellar, Harry?

Harry.听Well, Dolly and I had been having a little tiff one morning---nothing serious------

Matt.听狈辞. When was that?

Harry.听March, wasn't it?

Dolly.听May, I think------

Harry.听No, it wasn't that one---Well, never mind, I got so riled at Dolly always poking this box in front of me whenever I happened to---so I thought the wine-cellar would be the safest place for it.

Matt.听摆Gives it another rattle.] Well, here he is, turned up just at the right moment! And here you all are, Dolly, Harry, Lucas, Mrs. Sturgess---all[93]听clamouring for me to redeem my promise and put in a sovereign for each of you.

颁谤颈诲诲濒别听appears at door announcing听Mr. Pilcher.听笔颈濒肠丑别谤听enters with four oblong brown paper parcels of equal size. Exit听颁谤颈诲诲濒别.

Pilcher.听Happy New Year to you all! Excuse me. [Depositing his parcels.] My New Year's gifts to a few of my parishioners!

Dolly.听New Year's gifts!

Pilcher.听To those who need them. [Shaking hands with her.] Happy New Year, Mr. Barron!

[Shaking hands.

Matt.听Happy New Year!

Pilcher.听How do this morning, Telfer! 摆贬补谤谤测听nods.] My dear Mrs. Sturgess! [Shaking hands.

Renie.听Happy New Year! What a lovely sermon you gave us again last night!

Pilcher.听Lovely! Well, say healthy, bracing.

Harry.听A jolly good rouser again. Made me feel---well------

[Gives himself a shake.

Pilcher.听Ah, Captain Wentworth, happy New Year!

Lucas.听摆Shaking hands.] Happy New Year!

Pilcher.听I heard you were wounded------

Lucas.听Oh, that's done with.

Matt.听We were just talking about our New Year's inquest------

Pilcher.听Inquest?!

Matt.听Into the characters of Dolly and Harry and------

[Glancing at听搁别苍颈别听and听Lucas.

Dolly.听Oh, please don't talk about inquests. Nobody's character is dead here.

Matt.听I hope not! We shall see------

Lucas.听Uncle, you don't really mean------

Matt.听It was a bona fide bargain on my side, but if you wish to avoid any awkward little exposures, or[94]听if Mr. Pilcher will kindly waive his claims to my contributions------

Pilcher.听I'm afraid I can't. I have come here for the express purpose of bearing away my trophy---Ah! [Seeing box on table, takes it, gives it a shake; his features assume a pleasant smile.] It seems to have proved a very wholesome household regulator.

Harry.听Yes, by Jove! It hadn't been in the house twenty-four hours before I put in a sovereign.

Pilcher.听A sovereign?

Harry.听The first night of last year Dolly and I had a little tiff---nothing serious---and so the next morning I made it up and---didn't I, Dolly?------

Dolly.听You did! And paid my bills like a lamb, you dear!

Pilcher.听And put in a sovereign? [Rattles the box again.] I won't say "Don't have any more household tiffs," but I will say "Don't omit to liquidate them." [Gives the box another rattle.] The box must have been in pretty constant use since------

Harry.听Ye-es.

Professor Sturgess听enters at back, with the proofs of his book in his hand.

Prof.听How do you do?

Pilcher.听摆Has put down box.] How do you do? [Shaking hands.] Happy New Year!

Prof.听Happy New Year to you! [To听Lucas.] How d'ye do?

Lucas.听First rate. Happy New Year!

[Shaking hands.

Prof.听Thank you. An accident?

Lucas.听Bit of one. Getting over it.

Prof.听If I might recommend the constant use of Pableine.

Lucas.听Oh, thanks, it's quite well---[95]---

Prof.听Try Pableine. It's a wonderful restorative. I'm intruding------

[Looking round.

Pilcher.听Not at all. We were just about to settle the question Mr. Barron raised last New Year's day------

Prof.听Oh, yes; I remember! Curiously enough I have only this morning received the proofs of my new volume, "Free Will, the Illusion."

[Showing the proofs to听Pilcher.

Pilcher.听Very interesting. I should like to discuss the matter with you, but [taking out watch] I have so many New Year's calls to make. [Looking at听惭补迟迟.] Perhaps we ought to get on with the---a------

Matt.听Inquest.

Pilcher.听Vindication.

Matt.听摆Accepting the correction.] Vindication.

Prof.听I may perhaps be allowed to point out that Mr. Barron's novel and humorous experiment can in no sense be said to settle, or even to touch, the question of Free Will, which as I have proved here depends upon------ [Again offering the proof.

Pilcher.听I should like to look through those sheets, but------

[Glancing at听惭补迟迟.

Prof.听You shall! I have put the whole argument into the concrete case of Sarah Mumford------

Pilcher.听Sarah Mumford?

Prof.听The baby farmer------

Matt.听Sarah's gray matter gone watery?

Prof.听Not watery, but she had a yellow effusion------

Matt.听I suppose that's just as bad?

Prof.听Quite.

Matt.听What did they do with her?

Prof.听They hanged her. They then discovered extensive听听and this yellow effusion------

Matt.听Pity they didn't discover that before they hanged her.[96]

Prof.听My exact point! Where is the justice of punishing a woman whose gray matter functions perversely? It is nothing short of a crime.

Dolly.听But she had suffocated five dear little babies?

Matt.听How could she avoid suffocating babies if she had a yellow effusion in her brain?

Prof.听Precisely my argument------

[Puts his proofs into听惭补迟迟'蝉听hands. Points out a passage.听惭补迟迟,听a little embarrassed, takes them, looks through them.]

Prof.听The point I wish to establish is this. While we all allow that extensive or recognizable diseases of, or injuries to, the brain, free a man from responsibility and punishment, how can we logically mete out blame or praise, punishment or reward to our ordinary acts, thoughts, and impulses, seeing that all our acts, thoughts, and impulses, good or bad, virtuous or criminal, are equally the mere expressions of certain inevitable physical changes in the brain, the mere register on the dial plate of consciousness of necessary predetermined complications in the working of certain atoms of the gray matter of our cortex?

Matt.听Quite so! Quite so! 摆顿辞濒濒测听is about to speak, but听惭补迟迟听hushes her down with a warning look and sign.] The Professor wants to say with Socrates that no man would be such a fool as to do wrong, if he could possibly help it.

Prof.听Well, if you like to put it that way------

Pilcher.听And now perhaps we might proceed. Can you remember the exact terms, Mr. Barron?

Matt.听I am to pay a sovereign for everyone of your hearers who has so far benefited by the wise admonitions of your last year's sermon as to have broken off his bad habits, or some especial bad habit------

Lucas.听We aren't bound to say what the habit is that we've broken off?[97]

Matt.听I don't wish to be inquisitive, but if you don't mention the particular bad habit, you will have to give me your word of honor that you've conquered it. [Putting down proofs on table, taking up the money-box, giving it a shake.] Now, who will be first to step into the confessional? [Looking round.

Dolly.听I will. As I've nothing to confess.

Matt.听Nothing?

Dolly.听狈辞. I had what some husbands might think a bad habit, but------

Harry.听No bills this Christmas, eh, Doll?

Dolly.听狈辞.

Harry.听You're sure now, my darling?

Dolly.听None of any importance.

Harry.听What do you mean of any importance?

Dolly.听Well, you must have some bills---they grow up before you know---such as Doctors' bills---you can't settle them all on the spur of the moment, but I've nothing---nothing of importance. So please put in your sovereign for me, Dad, and look pleasant about it.

Matt.听You declare upon your word of honor that you have broken off your bad habit of running up bills?

Dolly.听驰别蝉.

Matt.听Entirely?

Dolly.听驰别蝉. You said you wouldn't be inquisitive.

Matt.听Yes, but------

Pilcher.听Mrs. Telfer has given her word. I think I may claim one victory for free will, [nodding victoriously at the听笔谤辞蹿别蝉蝉辞谤听who shakes his head], and one sovereign for the Blanket Club.

Matt.听贬耻尘! [Draws a sovereign out of his pocket and very reluctantly drops it into the box, shakes his head at听顿辞濒濒测听who looks a little uncomfortable.] Who volunteers next?

Renie.听I do. No---I'll wait a little---I want to make[98]听sure that I am perfectly honest with myself and with everybody.

Matt.听That perhaps may need a little consideration, Lucas?

Lucas.听Oh, let Harry have his doing first!

Matt.听Now, Harry!

Harry.听Oh, well, here goes! I'm going to make a clean breast. The fact is I've made a thundering mess of it.

Matt.听Ah!

Harry.听I did begin all right except for a little tiff with Dolly---and then I kept on pretty well for some time, and then---well I don't know---I seemed to go all to pieces and---[惭补迟迟听rattles the money-box.] However, better luck this year.

Pilcher.听Shall we say a little more resolution?

Harry.听Oh, I mean to pull myself together this year.

Matt.听Perhaps you tried too much reforming, Harry---too many irons in the fire, eh?

Harry.听Well, it's jolly hard to keep it up. And I'd got pretty slack till you woke us up last night---I say, that was a rouser again.

Pilcher.听It wasn't a very bad sermon, was it? Well now for the next year shall we make one especial effort in one especial direction---Say------

Dolly.听Temper, eh, Harry?

Harry.听Right, old girl! Oh, I mean it.

Matt.听No victory for free will, and the Blanket Club, this time. Game and game, eh? Now which of you two------

[Looking at听搁别苍颈别听and听Lucas.

Renie.听I'll be your first victim. [Coming into the middle of the room, and posing.] It's so strange that what you started as a jest------

Matt.听Oh no, in deadly earnest I assure you.

Renie.听In this life who knows what is jest and what[99]听is earnest? The least little innocent thing may turn to a tragedy in a moment------

Matt.听Surely you haven't had any little tragedies?

Renie.听No, last year a mere little circumstance might have turned to a tragedy---honestly I wasn't to blame, but perhaps I was a little careless, and two dear friends came to me with their counsel, and what might have been a tragedy was turned to a comedy, thanks to those two dear friends!

Prof.听My dear, may I ask "what circumstance" you are alluding to?

Matt.听We said we wouldn't be inquisitive------

Prof.听No, but I cannot recall anything in my wife's life during the last twelve months that even approached a tragedy------

Renie.听I said the affair was quite unimportant------

Prof.听Then I wish, my dear, you wouldn't magnify everything, and I wish you would read solid scientific works in place of rubbishy French novels---and above all, take a little more regular exercise!

Matt.听Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may consider that little point during the coming year. Meantime, [To听Renie] may we be confident your little tragedy is ended------

Renie.听Oh yes, quite.

Matt.听We needn't ask its nature, but you give us your word of honor?

[Looks at her very searchingly and speaking seriously.]

Renie.听Yes, my word of honor.

Matt.听Thank you.

Pilcher.听Another victory.

Matt.听摆Looks searchingly at her, drops a sovereign in the box.] Lucas?

Lucas.听摆Coming cheerfully forward.] My turn for the thumbscrew!

Matt.听You seem very cheerful about it.[100]

Lucas.听Yes, I'm going to make a jolly good show.

Matt.听What particular bad habit have you conquered during the past year?

Lucas.听I don't know that I've conquered any one in particular, but I've had a regular good go in all round, so altogether I can pat myself on the back.

Matt.听But I want to know one particular habit conquered---for instance, you weren't very careful what ladies you made love to, or how many of them at the same time------

Lucas.听I say, Uncle Matt, drop this------

Matt.听And a year or two ago you went just a little bit off the straight------

Lucas.听Oh no I didn't.

Matt.听I want to know------

Lucas.听Thank you, no more thumbscrew. I'm out of this before it goes any further.

Matt.听It isn't going any further. [Putting his hand on听尝耻肠补蝉'蝉听shoulder.] Give me your word of honor------

Lucas.听That's all very well, it wasn't a very bad case, and I don't think you should have brought it up. But as you have---well, I did meet a lady, and I was very much attracted to her, but I summoned all my resolution, and there the matter ended.

Pilcher.听I think I may claim a victory here.

Lucas.听So please put in your sovereign.

Matt.听摆Very seriously.] If you will give me your word of honor that you have absolutely broken off------

Lucas.听Yes, yes, of course I have.

[惭补迟迟听puts in a sovereign, hands the box to听Pilcher.

Pilcher.听Three victories and one draw out of four. Most satisfactory. [Taking out watch.] I must hurry off to the White House and see what they're doing there. [Rattling the box.] Excellent results! So[101]听excellent that I think I'm justified in making you a little New Year's gift.

[Going to his heap of brown-paper parcels.

Dolly.听A New Year's gift! How kind of you! To me?

Pilcher.听摆Opening his parcel.] To you and your husband. To your husband in particular, because, although he may have fallen a little short of perfection during the last year---like some of the rest of us---yet I feel sure that during this coming year---[They have all been watching him curiously; he has now opened the parcel and displays a very bright brand new collecting box, with Crookbury Blanket Club painted on it, in large letters. It is much larger than the hospital box.] My household regulator! [Giving it to听顿辞濒濒测.

Dolly.听摆Who has shown considerable disappointment on the opening of the parcel.] Crookbury Blanket Club! Thank you so much, for Harry's sake. Harry! For you, dear.

[She gives the box to听贬补谤谤测,听who places it on the same table.]

Dolly.听You call it the household regulator?

Pilcher.听Yes---I have suggested it to several of my brethren. Oh, its use will become very general throughout the diocese.

Dolly.听You think it will work well?

Pilcher.听It cannot fail. A box of this character---larger or smaller, according to the size of the family and their behaviour is left at each house on the first of the year. All little failings, peccadilloes, and asperities are strictly fined. The inevitable result is that either the family behaviour improves, or the parish charities benefit. I'm starting its operation in my parish to-day. Forgive any inexcusable rudeness in leaving the first box with you. I must hurry off! [Shaking hands.] Good-bye, Professor.[102]

Prof.听I should like to make that point clear with regard to free will------

Pilcher.听When you have an hour, or shall I say a year, to spare, we might argue it out------

Prof.听You're going to the White House? If I might accompany you------

Pilcher.听Delighted!

[Shakes hands in dumb show with听顿辞濒濒测听and听贬补谤谤测.

Prof.听Renie, you've had your restless fits again. You'd better come with us------

Renie.听But I've already been walking------

Prof.听My dear, this bracing country air is just what you need. Keep out in it all the day long------

Renie.听Oh, very well---the White House, and the fish-pond as usual, I suppose?

Prof.听As usual. Come along.

[Exit.听搁别苍颈别听slightly shrugs her shoulders, very slightly glances at听尝耻肠补蝉听and exit after听Professor.

Lucas.听The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll there!

Matt.听Good idea! The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll there!

[Linking his arm with听Lucas.

Lucas.听摆Suspicious, holding back.] I don't know that I care---we went there last year------

Matt.听We did! Same old game, eh? Come along.

[Drags听尝耻肠补蝉听off.

Pilcher.听摆Has been gathering up his parcels.] Well, good-bye! Good-bye! [Rattles the hospital box vigorously.] Three splendid victories for free will and moral resolution!

[Exit, rattling the box.

[103]

Harry.听Doll, you really haven't got any bills this year?

Dolly.听狈辞! no! Only the few little oddments that no woman can prevent.

Harry.听You might let me see the little oddments------

Dolly.听I will. [Suddenly.] Oh Harry, I quite forgot! Do forgive me!

Harry.听奥丑补迟?

Dolly.听I never wrote the geyser bath people!

Harry.听Never mind the geyser bath.

Dolly.听And only this morning you rowed me because I hadn't got it ready for the New Year! Where did you put their address?

Harry.听I don't know! Somewhere upstairs among my papers.

Dolly.听摆Gently pushing him off.] I can just catch to-night's post! Make haste and get it! Quick! There's a dear! And then we can get the bath fixed up for you next week.

Harry.听Ye---es. I say, Doll, I mean to get those oddments fixed up to-night.

[Taps the writing-case significantly and exit.听顿辞濒濒测听looks frightened, sees him off, goes up to writing-desk, takes out bills, looks at them, throws up her arms in despair, groans, slams down the writing-desk, looks at the chair she has touched in first act, shows great resolution, marches up and touches it.

Dolly.听驰别蝉! Yes! I have got free will.

[Goes back from it, again looks at it, again marches up to it, touches it.

Dolly.听Then why do I keep on having bills?

Renie听enters in great agitation and distress.[104]

Renie.听Oh, Dolly!

Dolly.听What's the matter?

Renie.听Oh, Dolly!

Dolly.听What is it?

Renie.听摆Throws her arms round听顿辞濒濒测听affectionately.] You've always been such a true friend to me------

Dolly.听Yes, dear.

Renie.听More like a sister. And I know I may trust you now.

Dolly.听摆A little suspicious.] Yes. Has anything happened?

Renie.听驰别蝉. Oh, Dolly------

Dolly.听Tell me!

Renie.听As we were going out at the garden gate, Captain Wentworth held out a letter behind his back for me to take------

Dolly.听奥丑补迟?!

Renie.听But now his arm is wounded he couldn't manage it properly, and he dropped it. I hurried to pick it up, and then my husband noticed and insisted on reading it------

Dolly.听What was in the letter?

Renie.听It wasn't so very bad, but my husband has chosen to jump to a wrong conclusion, and---oh, Dolly, you can help me!

Dolly.听摆Coldly, relaxing her embrace.] How?

Renie.听If you'd only let me tell my husband that I was receiving it for you------

Dolly.听奥丑补迟?!

Renie.听There was no address, and fortunately it was so worded that it showed that you weren't really guilty.

Dolly.听Oh! I wasn't really guilty?

Renie.听In fact, it proves your complete innocence.

Dolly.听I'm glad of that.[105]

Renie.听Then you'll let me say it was you?

Dolly.听狈辞! You can't suppose I should let my own cousin make love to me in my own house?!

Renie.听You won't help me?

Dolly.听Yes, any way but that! How could you be so foolish?

Renie.听I don't know. When I heard yesterday he was coming, I quite made up my mind I'd have nothing to say to him! Dolly, free will must be an illusion, or else why am I always doing the things I don't mean to do. Oh, what shall I do?

Dolly.听As you are completely innocent, you'd better ask your husband to forgive you.

Renie.听Ye---es. No! As it is a perfectly pure and exalted attachment I shall take that ground---at any rate at first, and see what he says. You'll help me all you can?

Dolly.听Yes, but promise me you'll have nothing to do with Lucas in future!

Renie.听No, indeed! if I once get out of this.

Dolly.听Very well! I'll see what I can do.---Hush!

The听笔谤辞蹿别蝉蝉辞谤听enters with a letter in his hand,听惭补迟迟听soothing him.

Prof.听摆Very angry.] Not a word more, if you please. Mrs. Telfer, you have doubtless heard------

Dolly.听Yes------?

Prof.听I leave for London to-night-to consult my lawyer. Mrs. Sturgess will, I trust, return to her friends until------

Matt.听Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may be able to explain------

Prof.听What explanation can be offered of language like this. [Reading from letter.] "From the first moment I saw you, I felt that you were entirely different from any woman I have ever met------" A[106]听monstrously inexact statement to start with. And a woman who is capable of practising such deceit------

摆搁别苍颈别听bursts into tears.

Matt.听I think you ought to hear what Mrs. Sturgess has to say------

Renie.听摆Through her tears.] What would be the use? With such a nature as his he could never begin to understand the loyal and exalted devotion which Captain Wentworth feels for me! No, all my life I have been misunderstood, misjudged, condemned! Let it be so till the end! Dolly, come and help me pack!

[Exit.听惭补迟迟听goes up to table and takes up proofs of听Professor's听book and looks through them.

Dolly.听You're really too severe with poor Renie------

Prof.听I am not severe. I simply register the inevitable sentence of the husband upon the wife who misconducts herself!

Dolly.听Misconducts herself! She has merely had a little harmless flirtation------

Prof.听In my wife a flirtation of this character [pointing to letter in his hand] constitutes grave misconduct.

Dolly.听But that's perfectly ridiculous! Why it might happen to any woman! Dad, explain to him------

Matt.听Professor, you're taking altogether a wrong view of this. Now this case you were pointing out to me in your own book [pointing to proofs]---Number forty-nine, Mrs. Copway. Remarkably handsome woman too!---[reading] "The injustice and cruelty of condemning this poor lady must be apparent to all." My dear Professor, before publishing this book you'll have to modify your theory.

Prof.听I cannot modify my theory. I have spent ten years in collecting facts which prove it.[107]

Matt.听Then, pardon me, you must really look over Mrs. Sturgess's little indiscretion.

Prof.听That is equally impossible------

Matt.听But you say that her action in receiving my nephew's letter was entirely due to the activity of certain atoms in the gray matter of her brain.

Prof.听Undoubtedly that is so.

Dolly.听Very well then, if her gray matter keeps on working wrong, what's the use of blaming her? You say yourself there's no such thing as free will------

Prof.听Precisely, but I have always allowed that in the present low moral and intellectual condition of the herd of mankind, free will is a plausible working hypothesis.

Dolly.听But it doesn't work! Free will won't work at all! Look at my own case! Do you suppose I should go on all my life having bills if I could help myself? [Catching听惭补迟迟'蝉听eye, who looks at her gravely and holds up his finger.] Never mind my bills! Do make him see how wrong and absurd it is to punish poor Renie when there's no such thing as free will!

Matt.听Dolly's right! She's only saying what you have so admirably laid down here. My dear Professor, you cannot possibly publish this book!

Prof.听But it has been announced! I must publish it.

Matt.听You cannot. Read that. [Giving the听笔谤辞蹿别蝉蝉辞谤听the book and pointing out passage.] Surely after that you cannot condemn Mrs. Sturgess.

Prof.听摆Taking book, glancing at the passage.] Really, it's most annoying when one's own wife upsets------

Matt.听Oh! they're always making hay of our theories one way or the other.

Prof.听Of course, if one presses the matter home to first principles------

Dolly.听驰别蝉! Yes! Well, why not act on your own[108]听first principles! You ought to be very sorry for poor Renie, considering all she has suffered.

Prof.听Suffered?

Dolly.听Yes, poor dear! You don't know what an awful struggle she has gone through between this unfortunate flirtation and her admiration for you.

Prof.听Her admiration for me!

Dolly.听驰别蝉! She always speaks of you as her great protagonist of science.

Prof.听摆Mollified.] Does she? Does she?

Dolly.听驰别蝉. If I were you I should go upstairs, and be very sweet to her, and above all don't reproach her. We women can endure anything except reproaches------

Prof.听摆Looking at his proofs.] I must publish my book. And after all, as you say, it is useless to blame them for acting according to the------

Matt.听The dictates of their gray matter when, bless them, they can't help themselves. My dear Professor, instead of condemning your wife you ought to be condoling with her, and doing all you can to get her gray matter into a healthy condition.

Prof.听I will hear what she has to say.

Dolly.听狈辞. Go straight to her and forgive her, and then I'm sure her gray matter will soon be all right. And what a triumph that will be for you!

Prof.听It does offer a way out of the difficulty. In any case I must publish my book. [Exit.

Dolly.听Dad, I won't have her here next Christmas.

Matt.听No, my dear, I wouldn't.

Dolly.听That wretched Lucas!

Matt.听What is to be done with him?

Dolly.听Pack him off! Pack him off at once!

[尝耻肠补蝉听cautiously looks in from upper conservatory door.

[109]

Lucas.听I say, how's the old bird seem to take it?

Dolly.听Old bird!

Lucas.听He isn't going to make a shindy over a trifle like this?

Dolly.听Trifle! He's threatening to divorce her and expose you!

Lucas.听You don't say so. I'm awfully sorry!

Dolly.听Sorry!

Lucas.听I am, indeed! And any reparation I can make------

Dolly.听Reparation?!

Lucas.听Such as an apology------

摆顿辞濒濒测听utters a contemptuous exclamation.

Matt.听Will you give me your word of honor never to see Mrs. Sturgess again?

Lucas.听驰别蝉.

Matt.听Or write to her?

Lucas.听驰别蝉.

Matt.听The word of honour of an English gentleman used to mean something, Lu.

Lucas.听It does now, Uncle Matt!

Matt.听摆Shakes hands with him heartily.] Then I'll take it. Now be off as quickly as you can and let us make the best of it for you and her.

Lucas.听Thanks. Good-bye!

Matt.听Good-bye!

[尝耻肠补蝉听crosses to听顿辞濒濒测,听offers his hand.

Dolly.听No, Lu. If Renie gets out of this safely and if you behave yourself, I'll shake hands with you when you come back from India.

Lucas.听You're taking this too seriously---you're taking it far too seriously! [Exit.

Matt.听We're making a splendid start again for the New Year!

Dolly.听I hope this will be a lesson for Renie!

Matt.听I hope so. How about yourself?[110]

Dolly.听What do you mean?

Matt.听I put the sovereign in, but---you've got a few more bills, eh?

Dolly.听Just a few oddments.

Matt.听How much?

Dolly.听I don't know. Dad------

Matt.听奥别濒濒?

Dolly.听Now that South Africans have gone up at last, and you won that splendid coup on them last week------

Matt.听奥别濒濒?

Dolly.听You couldn't lend me---a few hundreds---till my allowance comes due? Just a few hundreds------

Matt.听摆In a low reproachful tone, shaking his head.] What? What? What? Sad! Sad! Sad!!

Dolly.听摆Listens.] There's Harry! You will help me, Dad---you will?

Matt.听I'll see what I can do.

Harry听enters cheerfully.

Harry.听That's all right, Doll! There's the address.

[Giving a slip of paper.

Dolly.听Thanks, dear.

Harry.听And now about these mere oddments?

Dolly.听Not now, dear.

Harry.听Yes, dear, now. [Very sternly.] This instant!

Dolly.听Harry, you're going to lose your temper------

Harry.听狈辞. I'm going to keep a firm guard on it, but [very sternly] let me see those bills.

Dolly.听摆Creeps frightened up to the desk.] I'm sure you're going to lose your temper.

[Opens the desk.

Harry.听摆Firmly.] No. I'm quite calm. Whose bill is that? [She hands him one timorously.] Fulks and Garner! Artist Furriers! More artists! [looks at total][111]---one hundred and twenty-four pounds. Well, I'm------

Dolly.听Ah, Jobling!

Harry.听I should think I am Jobling. And you said you'd never enter their shop again!

Dolly.听I never meant it, but this time it was absolutely necessary------

Harry.听Necessary?

Dolly.听Yes---you see the chief item------

Harry.听摆Reads.] Chinchilla toque, coat, muff and boa---eighty guineas---eighty guineas------

Dolly.听I got them as a surprise for you when we go South next week.

Harry.听Surprise! Great heavens! What in the name of all------

Matt.听Shush, Harry! Her motive was a good one. She got it to please you!

Dolly.听You haven't seen it yet, it's just outside---I've a great mind to give you a great New Year's treat and let you see it on!

Harry.听I'm not going to be sweedled------

Matt.听贬耻蝉丑! Harry! Let her put it on! Let's have a look at it, and see whether it's worth the money. Put it on, Doll. [Exit听顿辞濒濒测.

Harry.听摆Calls after her.] I tell you I'm not going to be sweedled!------

Matt.听What is sweedled?

Harry.听Sweedling is sweedling! It's part swindling and part wheedling! It's what every d---ee---d good-natured husband like me has to go through, when he's fool enough to put up with it!

Matt.听Well, old boy, you'll have to pay, you know; it will come to that in the end.

Harry.听I'm not going to be sweedled------

Matt.听And if Dolly has been a little extravagant, I must help her out with it to-morrow morning![112]

Harry.听No, we'll go into it thoroughly to-night.

Matt.听No, Harry, we won't. My room is just above here. Besides, the cook is going to give us a special New Year dinner, and I want to enjoy it. This New Year we'll start with a comfortable evening, please!

顿辞濒濒测听enters at back in a very handsome Chinchilla coat.听贬补谤谤测听looks a little sulky. She stands in the middle of the room and displays it.

Dolly.听奥别濒濒? [He looks at it rather sulkily, walks away; she follows him.] Well? [Walking after him.] Well? Well?

[Displaying the furs.]

[He turns, looks at her, she stands and holds out her arms.

Harry.听Oh, hang it all! [Takes her in his arms and kisses her.] There!

Dolly.听摆Kissing him heartily.] And there! [Another kiss.] And there! [Another kiss.] And there! [Catches sight of the collecting box, goes to it, furiously sweeps it off its table on to the floor.]听And there!

CURTAIN.

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