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NOTE: This is the original script, as shared by the author.

DIANE sits on the exam table. She is wearing a medical gown. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Good afternoon, Diane. What's the trouble today? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

I'm dying. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Oh, dear. And why do you think you're dying? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Oh, I'm not the only one. There seems to be a consensus on the message board I visited. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

I'm sorry? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

I asked about my symptoms on one of those online message boards. Everybody said it  was probably this deadly disease...I don't remember the name... 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

And what are your symptoms? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Oh, gosh, who remembers? Let's see...oh, yes, I had a strange sore on my arm. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Well, then, let's take a look. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Oh, it's gone now. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

What's gone? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

The sore. It went away a few days after I found out I was dying. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Then why are you here? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Because I had a strange sore on my arm. Please try to pay attention, doctor.

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

But the sore went away. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

³Û±ð²õ.Ìý

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

So, why did you come to me for a symptom that's no longer there? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Well I didn't want to cancel the appointment, that would be rude. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Yes, fair enough, but I don't see how I'm supposed to treat something that isn't there. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Oh. Well maybe I should see another doctor. A specialist in rare, exotic diseases. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

I don't think that's necessary. Why don't you just show me where it is...was. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Oh, gosh, let me see if I can remember. Was it this arm? Yes, I think it was. It was right  about here. Or maybe it was a little higher...no this looks about right. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

And what color was it? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Reddish...well, not red. Maybe pink with just a hint of maroon. I brought in some color  samples. 

(She produces some color swatches, the kind one would find at a paint store) 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

That's alright, Diane. It sounds to me like it was just a pimple. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Oh. That's a relief. I'll be sure to let my friends on the internet know. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Ah, yes. Of course. Have a good day. 

DIANE exits. MISS DEROMA enters and sits on the table.

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Hello, Miss Deroma. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but we did find a suspicious spot  on your CT scan. We need to do a biopsy to determine exactly what it is. It's a fairly  simple procedure, we'll just take a small needle and... 

MISS DEROMA 

Oh, I don't need any biopsy. I feel just fine. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Well, I'm glad, but just because you feel fine doesn't mean... 

MISS DEROMA 

And can't you just tell from the picture what this...spot...is? 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

No, unfortunately not. 

MISS DEROMA 

Well, I can't say that instills confidence in this medical establishment. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

There are limits to medical imaging, Miss Deroma. 

MISS DEROMA 

I should say so. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Would you like to schedule the biopsy now? 

MISS DEROMA 

Absolutely not. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

But, Miss Deroma, this spot could be anything. Maybe it's harmless, maybe not. We  won't know unless... 

MISS DEROMA 

I told you I'm perfectly healthy. I saw my herbalist yesterday. He read my chi and said I  was fine. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Your chi? 

MISS DEROMA 

Yes, doctor. My chi. Really, how are you allowed to practice medicine if you don't even  understand what a chi is?

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Well, Miss Deroma, with due respect, I think my medical training should supersede... 

MISS DEROMA 

Supersede what? How dare you! Do the  biopsy right this second. I intend to prove to you that you don't have the foggiest idea  what you're talking about. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Very well, Miss Deroma. 

MISS DEROMA 

You're going to get bad juju for this, you know. 

MISS DEROMA exits as DIANE returns. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Hello, again, Diane. What can I do for you this week? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

My friends on the internet think you're wrong. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

About what? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

The sore that was on my arm. They think I should get a second opinion. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

I see. So why are you here? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

For your second opinion. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Diane, that's not how it works. If you want a second opinion from another physician, I"d  be happy to refer you to... 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

No, I'd like to stick with you. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Why do you want to keep seeing me if you think I'm wrong?

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

You have very good reviews on Grade My Doctor dot com. So, I would like a second  opinion, please. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Diane, I'm afraid I've already offered you the only opinion I have. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

That's impossible. Nobody ever has just one opinion about anything. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Well, madam, concerning this disappearing zit, I have one medical opinion, and one only. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

So now you think I'm lying about the sore? Is that it? 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Absolutely not, I'm only saying... 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

There was a sore on my arm. It was...right here (as she indicates an arbitrary point on  the opposite arm as the earlier scene). Clear as the nose on my face. And I'll have you  know I have never had a zit a day in my life! In school, my teachers always  complimented me on my clear complexion. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

I'm sure they did. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

It's probably rabies. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

I'm sorry, rabies? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

I saw a website that said it could be a sign of rabies. Or gonorrhea. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Diane, that's not true. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Are you even a real doctor? I'd like to see some credentials please. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Listen, Diane...

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

That's Mrs. Forrester to you. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Mrs. Forrester, I can assure you that if you die of anything it will not be rabies. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Well, we'll see about that! 

DIANE exits. MISS DEROMA re-enters. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Hello, again, Miss Deroma. We have the results of your biopsy. I'm sorry, but it looks  like there is a cancerous growth on your lung. 

MISS DEROMA 

I beg your pardon? 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

The spot we talked about contains cancerous cells. 

MISS DEROMA 

Again with this nonsense? I visited my chi master this morning and he assured me I was  just fine. You obviously have your wires crossed somewhere. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

The good news is we caught the cancer at an early stage. We should be able to operate  and remove it entirely. 

MISS DEROMA 

You'll do no such thing. I'm going to find another doctor. Someone with credentials. And  herbs. 

MISS DEROMA exits as DIANE returns 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

I was thinking about my last visit, when you refused to offer me a second opinion. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

I didn't refuse, I only said that... 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

And I was doing some research on patient-doctor transference. And based on what I've  read I think it's obvious that you're in love with me.

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

I beg your pardon. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

It's alright, doctor, I don't blame you. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Mrs. Forrester, that's not how transference works. The patient falls in love with the  doctor, not the other way around. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Doctor, if you're insinuating that I'm in love with you I can assure you that you're  wrong. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Alright, Mrs. Forrester. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

I mean, what an absurd suggestion to make. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

If you say so. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

The idea that someone would be in love with a man who has so many intellectual defects. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

I was magna cum laude at Harvard Medical School. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

(Letting her guard down) 

Did you say Harvard? 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Mrs. Forrester, why are you here? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

If you must know, I have a new symptom. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

What is it? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

A symptom is an indication of a disease. Really, doctor, you should know that.

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

I meant what is your symptom? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Yesterday I urinated three more times than usual. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

You urinated three extra times? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Yes. I usually urinate five times a day. Yesterday I urinated eight times. Frequent  urination is a symptom of diabetes. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Are you having any other symptoms that would suggest diabetes? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Not yet. But I would like to be treated for it proactively please. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Very well, Mrs. Forrester, I'll check you for diabetes if that will make you happy. I just  need to draw some blood. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Blood? Don't you need a urine sample? 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

±·´Ç.Ìý

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Why not? That's where the problem is. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Diabetes is diagnosed with a blood test, Mrs. Forrester. My nurse will take care of it for  you. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

I see...very well. 

DIANE exits. MISS DEROMA returns. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

I'm glad you came to see me again, Miss Deroma. 

MISS DEROMA 

I didn't come to see you. I came to tell you I found a competent doctor who has assured  me that his healing methods have eradicated me of disease.

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

And what are his healing methods? 

MISS DEROMA 

A pendulum. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

And his pendulum cured you of cancer? 

MISS DEROMA 

Yes. Assuming I even had cancer in the first place, which I remain unconvinced of. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

You know, Miss Deroma, it occurs to me that I don't have any proof of this miraculous  cure. Perhaps you'd let our surgeons poke around so they can all see what a fool I am. 

MISS DEROMA 

Don't you dare play mind games with me, Doctor. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

No games, Miss Deroma. I'd just hate for you to get taken advantage of by a quack. 

MISS DEROMA 

Quack? How dare you! Cut me open right now stem to stern. You'll see how wrong you  are! 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Alright, my nurse will set up the operation. 

MISS DEROMA 

·¡³æ³¦±ð±ô±ô±ð²Ô³Ù.Ìý

MISS DEROMA exits. DIANE returns. You get the idea by now. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Alright, Mrs. Forrester... 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Oh, please, call me Diane. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Alright, Diane. Your blood work came back fine. No diabetes. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

I see. You know, now that I think of it, my urine was...a strange color, too. Perhaps you  should take a urine sample.

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

I don't think that's necessary, Diane, there are a number of reasons... 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

I really think you should take a urine sample, Doctor. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

But, Diane, I don't think... 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

I REALLY think you should take a sample, Doctor. Mister Harvard Med. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Um...very well...I suppose that couldn't hurt. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Oh...good. Now, how does one do that? Do you need to...examine the area? 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

No, Diane. That's not necessary. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

You mean you don't want to...draw the urine yourself? You drew my blood so  beautifully. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Yes, well, this is different. You'll just need to urinate into a sample cup. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Very well...would you like to watch? 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Diane please. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Whatever you say, Doctor. 

She exits. MISS FORRESTER is back. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Miss Deroma, I have good news. It looks like we were able to extract the entire tumor. 

MISS DEROMA 

Excuse me? How dare you presume to remove something from my body! I think you  planted that tumor there just to give yourselves something to do.

DIANE storms in. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

You know, Doctor, I've been thinking about your little diagnosis earlier. 

¶Ù°¿°ä°Õ°¿¸éÌý

Diane, I'm with a patient. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

That's Mrs. Forrester to you. And if you think I'm going to stand idly by and allow you  to take advantage of your sexual feelings for me...I don't understand how someone like  you is even allowed to practice medicine. How did you get into college in the first place? 

MISS DEROMA 

A football scholarship probably. 

During the following exchange, the DOCTOR makes a quiet exit. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

I can't believe I let you touch me. 

MISS DEROMA 

You probably don't even know what cancer is. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

So warm and tender... 

MISS DEROMA 

So cold and sterile. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Those eyes... 

MISS DEROMA 

That attitude... 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Where did he go? 

MISS DEROMA 

Isn't that just like a doctor? Drop a bombshell and then run. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

Bombshell? What's wrong?

MISS DEROMA 

Oh he says I had cancer. What's wrong with you? 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

A whole host of things, probably. I think I have rabies and diabetes and he won't do a  thing about it. 

MISS DEROMA 

Well, he gave me cancer. 

¶Ù±õ´¡±··¡Ìý

It's amazing who we put our faith in, isn't it? 

MISS DEROMA 

What is that on your arm? 

Lights out.