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NOTE: This is the original script, as shared by the author.

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How's Ashley? 

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She's really good. How's Chrissie? 

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And how about Sean, huh? 

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It's about time. 

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He's bringing her tonight right? 

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That's what he said. 

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What do you think she's like? 

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I don't know, a dude like Sean...I'm not expecting much. SEAN enters. He is alone. 

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Hey guys! Sorry I'm late. Sarah took forever to get ready.

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That's her name? Sarah? 

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So where is she? 

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Sorry, how rude of me. Guys, this is ³§²¹°ù²¹³ó.Ìý

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±«³¾...·É³ó±ð°ù±ð?Ìý

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Right here, idiot! Here, babe, sit down. 

SEAN pulls out a chair 

So what's good here? (To the empty chair) What are you in the mood for, baby cakes? 

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Hey, Sean... 

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Is everything, um, okay? 

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Never better! (Placing a menu in front of the empty chair) Here, snookums, you order  whatever you want. 

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So where did you and...I'm sorry, what did you say her name was? 

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³§²¹°ù²¹³ó.Ìý

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Right. Sarah. Where did you and Sarah meet?

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(Leaning in towards the empty chair) What? No, he always dresses like that. (Laughing) I  know! 

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Is this, like, one of your little jokes or something? 

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Sarah's being awfully quiet. 

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She's just shy around new people. 

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Hey, there's no reason to be shy around us. 

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Yeah, we're nice! So, Sarah, where did you and Sean meet? 

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We met at... 

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I want Sarah to answer. 

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(Leaning toward the empty chair) What, sweetie cakes? Okay. Yeah, I understand. Sarah  says you're coming on too strong. You're intimidating her. 

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Since when are we intimidating? 

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I've never intimidated anyone in my life. 

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Dog sh#t wouldn't be intimidated by us. 

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She'd like you to back off. She says you both look mentally disturbed. 

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She said we look mentally disturbed? 

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Yes.

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What are you... 

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Look, whatever, play make believe if you want. I'm gonna order. 

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Hold on, I want to hear what else she said about us! 

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Before I forget, I can't go disc golfing tomorrow. It's our two-week anniversary. 

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Oh really? So what are you guys doing? 

SEAN

I can't tell you in front of Sarah. It's a surprise. 

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I see... 

SEAN

So, guys, where are your girlfriends? 

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Ashley had to visit her grandparents. I think one of them is about to die. 

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Chrissie's getting her nails done or something. 

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Sarah got her nails done the other day. 

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That's fascinating. 

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(To the empty chair) Alright, cupcake, the bathroom is right back there. Allow me. He gets up and pulls out the empty chair. 

So, what do you think? Do you like her? 

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Well...um...

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I'm not sure how we're supposed to... 

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Come on guys, you can be honest. 

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Well, she seems... 

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You don't like her, do you? 

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How are we supposed to... 

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I don't believe this. My two best friends and you can't even try to like my girlfriend. I  guess I should have expected this. 

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What does that mean? 

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You're always so self-absorbed. I think you're just jealous. 

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Jealous? Of what exactly? 

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That I have an amazing girl like Sarah and you two are stuck with a vapid whiner and an  alcoholic. 

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Alright, that's it... 

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Hold on, before we beat his ass...which one is the whiner and which is the alcoholic? 

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Well obviously Ashley is the alcoholic. 

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Why the hell would you say that? Why can't Chrissie be the whiner?

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Oh, please. We've all seen how she drinks. 

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Whatever, this is stupid. There's nothing wrong with either of our girlfriends. Let's just  ignore him. 

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Welcome back, muffin! I missed you so much. 

·¡°Õ±á´¡±·Ìý

You seen the new Star Trek movie yet? 

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No, I'm trying to get Ashley to go see it with me. 

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Chrissie doesn't want to go either. 

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Sarah and I saw it the other day. 

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I heard the visuals are awesome. 

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Sarah didn't really care for them. 

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I want to go see that new 3D one. 

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Yeah that looks intense. 

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Sarah can't watch 3D movies, they make her nauseous. 

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Oh, I forgot to tell you. The other day, Ashley and I are at that new café down the street,  right? And this guy at the next table keeps gawking at her... 

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Lots of guys gawk at ³§²¹°ù²¹³ó.Ìý

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So she gets up and goes over to him and says "can my boyfriend and I help you?"

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Sarah does things like that all the time! Just the other day... 

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Hey look they have those cheese stick things here. 

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Sarah can't eat cheese. She's lactose intolerant. 

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Is she? Is she really, Sean? 

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·¡³Ù³ó²¹²Ô...Ìý

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No, Brent, I'd like to hear all about Sarah and her digestive problems. 

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What's that, sugar bun? Okay, cookie, you don't have to. Sarah doesn't want to talk  about her digestive problems. 

·¡°Õ±á´¡±·Ìý

Why don't you tell us about them then? 

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Sarah doesn't like it when I discuss her digestive problems in public. 

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Why? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Hey, I know, let's all tell one embarrassing thing  about our girlfriends. 

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Ethan, come on... 

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I'll start. Chrissie gets zits all over her back. 

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Sarah never gets zits anywhere. 

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Alright, Brent. Your turn. 

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Um, I don't really...

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Come on, we're helping out our buddy here! 

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Well, sometimes her armpits smell funny. 

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See? Brent's girlfriend has diseased armpits. No big deal. 

µþ¸é·¡±·°ÕÌý

I didn't say they're diseased. 

·¡°Õ±á´¡±·Ìý

Whatever, you said they smell. So, Sean... 

µþ¸é·¡±·°ÕÌý

No, hold on, stop putting words in my mouth. I said sometimes they just smell a little  funny, that's all. 

·¡°Õ±á´¡±·Ìý

Hey, no judgment buddy. We all have our cross to bear. 

µþ¸é·¡±·°ÕÌý

And what about your girlfriend? The whiner with chronic backne. 

·¡°Õ±á´¡±·Ìý

Hey! I'd rather date a pimpled whiner than an alcoholic. 

³§·¡´¡±·Ìý

Sarah's armpits smell like a bed of roses. 

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You know they have ointments she could try. 

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Sarah has never needed ointment. 

·¡°Õ±á´¡±·Ìý

Yeah, well, while I'm out buying ointment maybe you should get yourself to a clinic.  There's no telling what you picked up from that girl. 

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Sarah has never had a venereal disease. 

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And while I'm at the clinic you should do something about those outfits you wear.

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Hey you're the one with the bad fashion sense. Sarah said so. 

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She was talking about you! 

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Oh, please, she was obviously talking about you! 

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Sarah has impeccable fashion sense. 

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How do you even have a girlfriend? I think you bought her off Craigslist. 

³§·¡´¡±·Ìý

Bed of roses...is that cliché? Sarah thinks I use too many clichés. 

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So how much does she cost? 

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Sarah has never used a cliché. 

·¡°Õ±á´¡±·Ìý

That's it, I'm out of here. 

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Hey wait, you're my ride home! 

·¡°Õ±á´¡±·Ìý

Up yours. 

³§·¡´¡±·Ìý

So, sweetie cakes, what looks good? 

End of play.