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I’ll have the lemon meringue pie please � I know I was up before but it’s not for me � it’s for my mate � yes he, is, he is an extra I swear � he can’t come and get it himself because he has just sprained his ankle � okay � (To the man behind him) don’t shuv there’s plenty left � (To caterer) an accident report sheet? � he only went over on it, it’s not life threatening � no he doesn’t want a full dinner he only wants the sweet � (To man behind him) I know we are only meant to have one helping but it’s not for me � (To caterer) Look, I don’t know why he can eat a sweet and not his dinner if he’s sick, what am I a doctor or something � the fella asked me to go and get him a helping of lemon meringue pie � fine fine � No problem. (Walks away) Jesus Christ the Spanish Inquisition to get a bloody pudding.

Jones, Marie. Stones In His Pockets. London: Nick Hern Books Ltd., 2000.

Act One: p.9